Thursday, 28 April 2011

Strike Two

I gave in this morning and finally tested, unfortunately there was just the one line :-( 
I thought it would be easier to handle a negative test than to wait for any spotting or AF, I was right, it was 'easier' to take the news as you're mentally preparing yourself, whereas last time I was taken aback, even though I had cramps and feared the worst it was still torturous to see the spotting.  So I wanted to avoid that this time, we waited for as long as we could and tested just one day before our OTD, today I am 10dp3dt (10 days past a 3 day transfer, so 13dpo (13 days past ovulation/egg collection). We have felt so positive throughout and I've been feeling so calm that it was a real shock for us both.

Tomorrow our lovely friends are throwing a Royal Wedding party and it starts early in the morning so we wanted to test today in case the news was bad to have some much needed time to ourselves to console each other. I will test again tomorrow anyway just to put our minds at rest that it really is over. I think it will be hard to attend the party and act as 'normal' as most of the people there are unaware of our situation, and as far as I am aware there will be only one pregnant lady and a handful of kids/babies, so may have to hide away a little for my own sanity if I'm too emotional. We also have a wedding this weekend, but at least that will keep us busy, I'm just thankful we're not back at work until Tuesday, I can't face that right now.
Ironically a good friend of mine gave birth this morning in the early hours, she is a few days earlier than planned but we knew it was coming as her waters broke the other day, she has had a teeny tiny little girl. This friend has been a great support lately, it's funny how you can support each other when you're in situations that are poles apart, but weirdly we've been able to make it work by being honest with each other.

The hardest part I think is telling people our news, especially our parents, as we know they feel our pain as much as we do, I hadn't cried all morning until I spoke to my mum and she started crying too, I think I'm still numb. I guess more tears will come in the days that pass as I realise another little part of me has broken inside.

Everything seemed to have gone so well with our cycle, other than perhaps our embryo quality, it was definitely better than last time but we still did not have any good quality ones left to freeze. I'm not really sure what we can do about this but will discuss with our consultant once I've notified them our news when it reopens on Tuesday.
I know we can try again, I know it may work next time, I know we're strong enough to get through it, they're all things that are hard to hear right now, it's just incredibly hard.

I'm left wondering if I we'll ever see those elusive two lines, but hopefully one day we will, until then it's back to the drawing board and the brave face.

13 comments:

  1. I wish I could say something that would help, we are lucky enough to have a beautiful granddaughter, born by IVF last summer after a very difficult pregnancy for our daughter - she lost an identical twin and had to carry her for several weeks until the other twin was safely born, so I know how you must be feeling as we lived every moment with our daughter for 4 years until our daughter was finally lucky to become pregnant. The doctors called our granddaughter a miracle, as she should not have survived, so you see miracles CAN happen, and I truly hope you have your miracle happen to you very soon. I am so sorry to hear what has happened and I am sending positive vibes your way and much love. xxx

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  2. I'm so very sorry Moon. Nothing makes it easier. And you can't win with telling, or not telling people. Tell them and they have to experience the heartbreak with you, but don't tell them and you are terribly lonely during the cycle. We didn't tell people last time and did the first time. I think next time we are definitely going to share. I need the support, and friends and family that truly love you want to be there for you and share your heartbreak.

    Big hugs. I wish I was there to give you one in real life.

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  3. I'm so so sorry for your BFN :( I had so much hope for you...*huge hugs*

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  4. Hugs to you. I took a home pregnancy test the day before all of my official 2-week phone calls from the clinic (I've had 4 IVF cycles; about to begin #5 with donor egg). I always wanted to be mentally prepared, whether the news was good or bad.

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  5. Was so sorry to hear about your BFN :-( I was hoping that this was your time.

    I agree that telling people is almost as bad as finding out in the first place. It is horrible to hear their pain too.

    I'm glad that you can be happy for your friend and one day you will definitely be in her shoes.

    Be strong Moonie. Thinking of you.

    xx

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  6. So sorry to hear about your BFN. I know how you feel, you are prob in shock at the mo. Be good to each other and put yourselves first. Take care.

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  7. My brave Moonie, reading this brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you have to go through it again. I know how painful that phone call to your parents is, the whole thing just sucks. Think you're amazing to be going out this weekend, I hope it helps to be with friends. Thinking of you, here if you need me xx

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  8. You were the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning Moon. I feel so bad for you. Take care sweetie xx

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  9. Thinking of you. Be extra nice to my dear friend Moon this weekend. Sending so much love and hugs. xxx

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  10. Aww thats shite, hon, I'm sorry. I have not been where you are (yet) so cannot truly know how you are feeling, but I imagine its pretty shitty.
    Leaving some love
    xxx

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  11. Ive been thinking of you and I hope you are doing ok considering. This is awful news to have to deal with but I do hope that you can enjoy yourself at the Royal wedding party and the real wedding. Sending loads of love and hugs to you my dear friend. Wish I could be there in person to support you xoxo
    LilyTaj

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  12. Hey Moon...I've been reading your blog for a little bit now and just wanted to send you my love. I am so sorry about your recent BFN. Don't give up...keep HOPE alive. I am praying for your miracle...keep believing!!!

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  13. Thank you all for your kind comments, they help us keep going and feel supported.
    Moon xx

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