Strike Two

I gave in this morning and finally tested, unfortunately there was just the one line :-( 

I thought it would be easier to handle a negative test than to wait for any spotting or AF, I was right, it was 'easier' to take the news as you're mentally preparing yourself, whereas last time I was taken aback, even though I had cramps and feared the worst it was still torturous to see the spotting.  So I wanted to avoid that this time, we waited for as long as we could and tested just one day before our OTD, today I am 10dp3dt (10 days past a 3 day transfer, so 13dpo (13 days past ovulation/egg collection). We have felt so positive throughout and I've been feeling so calm that it was a real shock for us both.

Tomorrow our lovely friends are throwing a Royal Wedding party and it starts early in the morning so we wanted to test today in case the news was bad to have some much needed time to ourselves to console each other. I will test again tomorrow anyway just to put our minds at rest that it really is over. I think it will be hard to attend the party and act as 'normal' as most of the people there are unaware of our situation, and as far as I am aware there will be only one pregnant lady and a handful of kids/babies, so may have to hide away a little for my own sanity if I'm too emotional. We also have a wedding this weekend, but at least that will keep us busy, I'm just thankful we're not back at work until Tuesday, I can't face that right now.

Ironically a good friend of mine gave birth this morning in the early hours, she is a few days earlier than planned but we knew it was coming as her waters broke the other day, she has had a teeny tiny little girl. This friend has been a great support lately, it's funny how you can support each other when you're in situations that are poles apart, but weirdly we've been able to make it work by being honest with each other.

The hardest part I think is telling people our news, especially our parents, as we know they feel our pain as much as we do, I hadn't cried all morning until I spoke to my mum and she started crying too, I think I'm still numb. I guess more tears will come in the days that pass as I realise another little part of me has broken inside.

Everything seemed to have gone so well with our cycle, other than perhaps our embryo quality, it was definitely better than last time but we still did not have any good quality ones left to freeze. I'm not really sure what we can do about this but will discuss with our consultant once I've notified them our news when it reopens on Tuesday.

I know we can try again, I know it may work next time, I know we're strong enough to get through it, they're all things that are hard to hear right now, it's just incredibly hard.

I'm left wondering if I we'll ever see those elusive two lines, but hopefully one day we will, until then it's back to the drawing board and the brave face.