Wordless Wednesday

I wish I was back there

Sleepy Moon

I win the prize for the most number of yawns today.

On the whole, the down regulation phase is going ok, I'm more than a week in and dare I say it, it's better than last time, I'm just having the sleepless nights thang again. Some of my injections are a little painful, but I've realised that . . .

a) I probably should try inserting the needle at a 45 degree angle rather than 90 degrees, 

b) I need to concentrate and stop being so blasé about it, and

c) I probably should stop being a wuss!

Aunt Flo was due to arrive on Sunday, instead she is so kind that she sent excruciating pains the other night, so much so that I barely got any sleep, but she finally made her arrival last night. This means my baseline scan on Wednesday has had to be rescheduled, the earliest they can now fit me in is next Monday so all my dates will be pushed out a bit, boo hoo :-(

YAWN.

In other news, I finally met my brother in London yesterday, he was there for work so I took the afternoon off to attempt some kind of resolution to the crazy SIL situation. In summary, it was emotional but good, we talked, we cried, we talked some more. It was good to see him, I've missed him so much. We discussed the sequence of events, he made some brainwashed comments I did not agree with [but I guess it was never going to be perfect] and I had the opportunity to tell him how much this has all hurt me. I did not lower myself to her level, I did not make any inappropriate comments, I did not reveal my true feelings about her [I'm sure you can guess what they are anyway], in fact I think I deserve a medal. Funny thing is, SHE wants an apology from me, HA HA HA HA HA.

By sending 'that text' she has gone so far over that line there is no going back. I've asked for an apology for the text, I know full well she will not apologise for the accusations as this will be admitting she has lied, he said she won't apologise even for just the text, he'll ask but not to get my hopes up. I've admitted defeat to him, she has won, I can't compete with this craziness and I'm pretty sure she will not allow me to see my future niece/nephew that is due in July, if all I can salvage is some kind of a relationship with my brother I'll take all I can get, I think this was the most upsetting part for him to hear.  Anyway, in a nutshell, he said he will talk to her, so watch this space but don't expect any miracles.

DOUBLE YAWN.

Colour Me Badd

I had my 'colours' done on Saturday, check me out!

For anyone who hasn't yet experienced this phenomenon, you meet Mrs Creative (mine was from House of Colour) who gives you an in depth colour consultation. This involves her firstly making you look like a nun and covering your head with a white scarf, then she drapes scary coloured swatches over you to work out which 'season' you fall into taking into account your skin tone, hair colour and eye colour.  I have to say, it was a bit of an eye opener.  Turns out I am a 'Winter', luckily for OH this means I am the only season that can legitimately wear black, as my wardrobe mainly is this colour, he is in luck and I have no grounds to buy an entire new wardrobe. The biggest bombshell for me though is that I should not wear cream :-( it washes me out and makes me yellowy. . . although she did try to be helpful and said not to chuck cream things out but to wear it with a scarf so that one of main complementary colours is next to my face until I end up replacing it, although I will just be thinking I look jaundice so not sure that is going to work.

Seems I should be wearing colours like bright pinks, bright blues, greys, navy, dark red, dark purples, dark green and white (colours with blue undertones), so no more hiding behind my black.  

You come away with a handy little swatch booklet with the colours in the Winter spectrum that suit me best, a new staple for my handbag should I get the URGE to shop.  I found this great website, Meinx-Boutique, that shows the colours well.

Mrs Creative extended her advice to my hair colour, make up and even nail colour. After a bit of show and tell with the make up (of course I only bought my best bits along, ha!) she duped me into buying a new lipstick and nail varnish (sucker) :-)

Let me know if you've had a colour analysis, would love to hear what season you are and if you thought it was worth it. For those of you lucky ones in real life reading my blog prepared to be dazzled when you see me next.

Dr Angel

I met Dr Angel last night, my first real taste of acupuncture and I liked it!

I came back home feeling pretty relaxed and absolutely starving (is that normal?), I think I could have eaten a horse had OH put one in front of me (gross but you get my point). I decided to stay away from the l-a-p-t-o-p last night, so that was good as I stayed relaxed for the rest of the evening and didn't think much about work, of course I still had my phone  though (one step at a time) and I watched some 'trash telly' to keep me occupied . . . America's Next Top Model (final!!) and 90210 (how old am I?) :-)

Dr Angel asked me lots of questions about how I'm feeling right now and we had a good discussion about what I usually eat and any current stresses in my life.  She mentioned the cheese thing!  I've been a bit sceptical about this before but willing to give anything a try, and as I pretty much hate cheese anyway it wasn't a big deal, she confirmed that it's probably a good idea to keep avoiding this for now as the body will produce more mucus and we want everything to be free flowing with no obstructions. I asked about bananas, she wasn't too fussed about these as long as I don't have too many (gone off them though) and she insisted on avoiding raw vegetables, salad and fruit in the evenings, instead keep them to during the day when my body has more energy to digest and break them down, seems pretty straightforward. 

I laid on 'the couch' and Dr Angel checked my pulse qualities and tongue, similar to how Dr Energyflow did when OH and I saw him at our first acupuncture consultation (see OH's guest blog entry - Prickly Subject). She then did this really lovely massage/stroking thing on my feet for what seemed like ages, very very relaxing indeed. Apparently I can teach OH to do this to keep me relaxed at home when I need it.   Dr Angel inserted 7 needles in total, 2 in my legs, 2 in my ankles and 3 around my belly button.  They didn't hurt at all, I just looked a bit freaky when I looked down! she also put a heat lamp over my belly, mmm made me feel all warm and cosy!

I like Dr Angel, I'm glad I've tried something new (tick), she didn't make any promise of baby miracles (tick), she spoke genuinely (tick) and she thinks she can help me with worrying, relaxation and being more balanced (triple tick!), so I'm signing up for more of that.  I'll see her weekly from now on and more frequently around embryo transfer if I am fortunate to reach this stage again.

And relaaaaaax.

Seconds Out, Round Two

Today I started our second IVF/ICSI cycle.

First thing this morning I injected buserelin (Suprecur) . . . no major panic, I just did it, I didn't even take a photo this time, I guess this is what happens second time round. Even though I didn't inject buserelin in my first cycle (I used a nasal spray 3 times/day) I'm a bit of a dab hand at injecting after all those shots of Gonal F and so it was pretty uneventful.

I've nothing much to report really, I feel less anxious than I did last week about starting today and have just kind of accepted it I guess. I've tried to stay busy today (baking, shopping, cooking, tweeting, blogging) and not dwell on what I'm doing or over analyse anything, seems to be working so far.

There is an update on the brother-crazy SIL gate, he texted late last week to say can we put our meeting on hold, he'd like to be upfront with my SIL and needs to pick the right time to speak to her. I was a bit annoyed at first (he could have discussed this with my SIL without me even knowing and then got in touch if there was an issue . . . of course there is going to be an issue) but after a few minutes I just felt sorry for him, such a sad situation that he has to ask to see his sister.  So we wait. I'm a dab hand at that too.

Anyhoo, I've now got the Zita West relaxation CDFs loaded on to my iPhone so all good to make a start this week and I have my acupuncture appointment on Tuesday with Dr Angel too. So by Wednesday I'm hope to be floating :-)

Moon's Butterfly Cakes

Chillax

I read a really good article shared by one of my tweeps over on twitter, the lovely @IVFChronicles so I thought I'd share it here (see link below). It's about the psychological effects of infertility on both females and males, and whoaa I can identify with so much of it.

The Psychological Impact of Infertility by Jo Perkins at Therapy Today

I've had a bit of a difficult week since my birthday so have been hiding a bit from my blog, ironic really, as I started it in the first place so I could write how I was truly feeling and let it all out and now I'm hiding from it, work that one out.  
I don't want to write a miserable post but just to fill you in on the highlights, my sadness this past week is mainly to do with the 'brother-SIL gate' as I'm normally pretty close to him and spoke to him frequently, I guess I just really miss him. I did speak to him on my birthday last Tuesday, on the whole I suppose it went well compared to the last phone call but it was super awkward and despite him trying to be normal it was still upsetting. We briefly spoke at the end about the awful SIL text and how upsetting this still is for me but that he is my only brother and I will always love him and not let her drive a wedge between us, felt good to finally say that to him. I've asked to meet him when he is next in London for work and offered to take time off work if he needed to get back to Bristol at a reasonable time (I realise now that might have been a bit presumptuous that he wouldn't tell my SIL, but anyhoo too late now). He finally texted earlier this week and the first time we can get together is Monday 28 March and I'll take the afternoon off work to meet him . . . so plenty of time for me to get myself all worked up about it (no point pretending I won't do this, I'm 100% sure I will).

Moving on . . .

Last Thursday was our medication teach session with our new clinic . . . here we met Nurse Chillax! Such a lovely lady, she is soooo chilled out and so I'm hoping this is going to rub off on me a little bit :-) She assured me everything is going to be fine (love her optimism) and as I'm familiar with the Gonal F she just showed me the buserelin (Suprecur) injections as I did the nasal sprays last time, seems pretty straightforward. I've paid our first little payment, signed a zillion forms and have my first baseline scan booked in already, yikes. 
To say I'm a little anxious is a bit of an understatement, I think the emotions I'm running through are fairly normal so I'm not too worried, just the usual, can I do this again, can I cope with another failed cycle and so on. These past couple of days instead of worrying about it I'm trying to focus on what I can do make myself feel better and if I increase my chances in the process, bonus!  Here's what I've been doing, it's early days though -

• I'm eating breakfast (novel for me, I tend to only partake in my most hated meal at the weekends when OH tempts me by bringing me some delights whilst I'm still in bed or doing things like Toast With a Smile).
• I'm walking to work (admittedly it only takes two minutes longer than driving as the car park is a bit of a walk, do not ask how close my new office is to home, it's embarrassing I ever drove! my defence is my hair does not do rain :-)).
• I'm eating more fruit.
• I'm drinking more water (still not enough but getting there, my bladder is small!).
• Booked my first acupuncture appointment with a lady called Angelika (I'm hoping this is a sign and that she is indeed an Angel that will look after me and make me calm).
• I'm reading before bed (to take my mind off anything stressful - work, IF, crazy SIL, whatever)
• Stop procrastinating at work (hmm a work in progress)

Not a bad list eh? If you have any other suggestions let me know. I realise 'exercise' is missing from this list, but one step at a time huh.

Wordless Wednesday

All The Threes

Both OH and I turn 33 within two days of each other, spooky huh! This joint event has not gone unnoticed by Mooncat, she provided us with a gift this morning in her own unique way, a little birdie, so kind of her.

In one way it's good to be home from our snowboarding holiday but in other ways, not so much as it means facing reality. There has still been no contact from my brother after the vile text from my sister-in-law over two weeks ago, ugh, I'm so upset by it all and keep crying. As one friend pointed out today, I'm grieving the loss of him, which I guess kinda makes sense. In my opinion, the whole sorry situation has ruined both our birthdays, when we landed back on Saturday and got home there was no birthday cards from him . . . what did I do to deserve this? 
I'm annoyed at myself that I allowed this to upset me all day on OH's birthday, and weirdly enough two cards did arrive from him today, I'm guessing he may have sent this secretly but anyhow I guess that's a good sign? I don't expect him to call tomorrow on my birthday, I'm sure she will have given him an ultimatum, but for now, I just appreciate that maybe I haven't lost him forever yet.

So, tomorrow I will be 33, woah, feels weird, I thought we would possibly be on baby number two by now!

I'm hoping to have some smiles tomorrow, I've got off to a good start this evening when we received flowers, choccies and champagne from my lovely mother-in-law, how sweet :-)

I've spent the entire evening in my pyjama's with a glass of wine and some girly telly, can't beat a bit of Brothers & Sisters, America's Next Top Model and Glee!

It's Snow Joke

Here I am, in the mountains in Tignes, France . . . it’s a glorious day outside, the sun is shining, the snow conditions look idyllic, and where am I? In the chalet, yup, it’s snow joke, I’ve hurt my leg in a fall on Day 2 (Day 2, argh!!), it seemed ok yesterday morning on Day 3, but by the afternoon and a couple of falls later after miserably failing to avoid the bumpy moguls the pain was back and so it was painful to make my turns down the mountain :-(  So I’m giving it a rest today, I’ve had a dip in the hot tub and hopefully with a massage later it will be ok tomorrow.

We are in the loveliest chalet we have ever stayed in at Tignes Les Brevieres with the lovely Mr & Mrs B. . . actually we are in the attached apartment downstairs with full use of the catered chalet upstairs and the spa for the first half of this week until this evening when a new group arrives, for the last couple of nights we’ll eat out instead so we get the best of both worlds which is kinda cool. We’ve met some interesting characters . . . the owner, her son and his girlfriend (aka Mrs Battle-Axe, Mr Posh Boy and Miss Princess Wannabe). It’s all quite weird really, we join them for dinner each night, it’s a bit like intruding on a family meal . . . we listen to them talk about their world, a world that is sooooo different to our world, a bit like a soap opera really, Miss Princess Wannabe literally does not stop talking, everything is either ‘beautiful’ or ‘ridiculous’ (imagine a wannabe Victoria Beckham), a skinny minnie in her designer wear with a suspiciously ‘perfect’ nose, quite amusing to watch, especially with super cool Mr Posh Boy bringing her back down to earth every now and again.

Despite being on holiday there is still no break from our infertility dramas! In the run up to our next IVF cycle in March I’ve been secretly hoping for a miracle (as you do) and I’ve been using our fertility monitor to track ovulation. In January I seemed to be text book, this last month though not so much, I didn’t see my peak days until as late as Day 19 (I’m usually a Day 14 or 15 kinda girl). It seems odd, I have been under quite a lot of stress though with the brother-SIL debacle and I wondered if the IVF drugs would affect anything, but since the IVF cycle everything did just return to normal like clockwork until this month. So I knew Aunt Flo wouldn’t be visiting at my usual Day 26-28 unless life really did have it in for me and wanted to throw in a short luteal phase into the mix. From about Day 26 onwards I had some abdominal pains, different to ‘normal’, I felt pretty emotional and I had some spotting, this continued for a few days (unusual for me), something definitely felt different (should have come prepared, finding a pregnancy test at a ski resort is not so easy!). It was hard not to get my hopes up a little bit, this has only ever happened a couple of times before in our TTC journey and each time my period has never been late (just some implantation spotting) so I was never left wondering for long, this time though was torturous. I POAS that evening just in case, negative . . . I waited until the morning, POAS again, another negative and then almost immediately Aunt Flo made her appearance, so so frustrating :-( I loathe POAS, all it ever does for me is send a signal to my brain to say, you can stop playing the joke now, send the good old Aunt in, and if by magic she appears that instant, ugh.

I wanted this holiday to be different, a snowboarding holiday is definitely one that helps you forget everything on your mind, because if you don’t concentrate, you fall flat on your face and eat snow, a phenomenon I’m quite used to!  So I’m a bit disappointed that it’s still on my mind, even OH is struggling too, my tears = tears for him too, bit of a vicious circle that one, I realised yesterday how fed up he is of all this too and that it’s impossible to shift it from his mind too. I know we have our new cycle coming up very soon, but even so, we had hoped for a miracle and it seemed we were quite close, but yet again our embryo’s are just not strong enough, which does make me think, will they ever be?

Anyhoo, despite not such a good start and an injury to contend with, I do hope for a better end to the week . . . after my day off I managed to get up to a cool bar on the slopes via a bubble lift (La Folie Douce in Val d'Isere) in the afternoon and had a bit of a boogie, bring on the wine!