Sunday, 17 October 2010

A Problem Shared

. . . is a problem halved, or is it?

Since TTC I barely told anyone the trauma my OH and me were going through, it was just too painful. After a while I did manage to tell a handful of trusted friends, I found it very difficult to articulate the heartache we have been suffering. In fact in the first 2 years of TTC and dealing with the never ending bad news each month that it didn't work and then the shock news that we also had a male infertility factor to deal with, I don't think I have ever felt so alone in my entire life, not even in my dark days growing up as a grunge head, this was far far worse.
I felt overwhelmed by all information on the internet and the zillions of forums (and acronyms to boot), I didn't know where to start, so instead for the start of those two years I avoided a lot of it and just told myself that everything will be ok. 

Well life sucks and everything is not ok. 

From dabbling on the internet I have picked up quite a lot though I think . . . I'm pretty good with the acronyms now (I'll add some to the side of my blog soon) and I can see there is a lot of support out there, I'm just still too scared to join any forums . . . although I'm finding writing this blog is really therapeutic, a chance to off load my thoughts and stop them whirring around in my head.

I can't count the number of nights I have cried myself to sleep these past 2 and half years, but why all the tears? I often think about that and I always come back to one point - I feel alone, not many people know, the insensitive questions and remarks, all my friends having babies left, right and centre . . . talking about it usually makes the water works appear anyway, so it's catch 22. In the last few months I have been able to confide in a few more close friends so I must have turned a corner, not sure why or how, maybe because my treatment was scheduled and I felt like something was finally happening. I should just tell all my friends though, they are my 'friends' after all, but I can never find the right moment or the right words and I don't fancy much the faces of pity looking back at me, self preservation.

A handful of the friends I have told though have been fab, not an easy job mind and I don't envy them. I'm intrigued how I would handle the situation if the roles were reversed, I know I'd be straight on the internet researching it like I do with everything else . . . so I had a little look and found that a lot of other bloggers are quoting this article about infertility etiquette, it makes interesting reading actually, I might even post it to my blog.

There is one very important person in my life that I had neglected to tell though, my mum (shock horror - yes, seems strange - also yes). My mum worries a lot, I do too (inherited from her no doubt) and she has had a fair bit on her plate recently and so I didn't want to worry her more (silly - yes). My mum never asks me any of those typical questions, 'when are you going to make me a grandma' and the like and so it kinda never came up in conversation really. My mum knew about the suspected endometriosis and maybe that's why she hasn't mentioned it. 
Anyhoo, I hadn't told her, until this weekend. I was feeling so poorly with the stomach cramps and headaches this weekend (we were 'oop North in Leeds visiting my folks) that I couldn't really hide it any more. I hadn't expected I would get upset telling my mum though (d'oh I know . . I'd imagined the conversation a million times over but hadn't factored the tears bit). My mum took it well, like all mums probably do, feel silly for not telling her much sooner now but I do feel relieved :-)

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