Monday, 25 October 2010

Loopy, Lonely & Low

What a week :-(
Symptom wise I've not really been improving, still suffering from twinges and pains in all sorts of places and perhaps AF wanted to stick around for a bit longer just to be nasty . . . the menopause in a month, I get it and I'm well and truly over it, bye, see-ya, go away.
Intermittent headaches, not sleeping well, difficult to concentrate at work and exhausted too, ugh.

On Friday I hit an all time low, so so sad, so so so many tears and feeling so alone in all of this. That evening I said more than once that 'I can't do this' and 'I'm not superhuman' . . . how can I let myself fail at this first hurdle, how pathetic. 
One lovely friend gave birth to a very cute, healthy baby boy on Thursday . . . then another friend, even more lovelier than the first (one who I have confided in) announced her 12-week scan news on Friday.  I'm so happy for both of them, amazing news and they will make absolutely fantastic parents, no doubt about it.  At the same time though, as I'm sure fellow IVF'ers will understand completely, I felt devastated that my life is not moving along like it should, it's stopped still and I'm stuck. I had such an empty feeling that night, I felt lost . .  like a little bit more of my heart had broken and I cannot cope any more.
Cue miserable miserable weekend . . . cue understanding and very loving OH with lots of love and hugs and breakfast in bed too. Lots of silent, pondering moments, where we understand each other completely without needing to utter a word. 
By Sunday evening though, OH's magic has worked, after a long chat, somehow I feel lifted, no idea how, but I feel relieved to come out the other side, I really didn't think it was possible after Friday.

My new mantras
  • Take one day at a time
  • Be strong
  • I can do this

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