WTF 2

Shucks, this is so hard, I cannot begin to describe how we’re feeling right now, other than heartbroken. Yesterday we had our WTF appointment for our second failed ICSI cycle, amazingly this clinic gave us an appointment only two days after I called them, our first clinic had us waiting a torturous two months.  

I’ve tried to summarise our appointment with the consultant in the hope that it may help some of you in a similar situation and also you may have suggestions for us that we haven’t thought of yet, believe me we are at a loss right now and so all suggestions are welcome! In TTC for coming up to 3 years soon, we have never had one positive pregnancy test, with have 2 failed ICSI cycles under our belt, no frosties ever, and we have never made blastocysts before. Herein lies our problem, if we cannot make blasts then it ain’t gonna work, full stop. So why don’t we make blasts and are we wasting our time . . . are you sitting comfortably?

I thought I would be seeing the same consultant as at our first appointment, instead we saw the new guy, I was a bit sceptical at first but in the end I was pleased we saw him, he has only been at our clinic for 3 weeks, prior to this he was the medical director at The Bridge Centre in London. He sussed me out within seconds after asking me if I studied Biology at school, I held my head up high and said I studied it as my degree, ha!

On the whole our second ICSI cycle did seem to go well and just like last time after Day 3 our embryo’s pretty much deteriorate.   Here is how Cycle 1 and 2 compared:

CYCLE 1
15 eggs collected, 13 mature, 8 embryo’s. Day 5 single embryo transfer (morula not a blast), no frosties.
CYCLE 2
13 eggs collected, 10 mature, 6 embryo’s. Day 3 double embryo transfer (1 excellent, 1 good), no frosties.
 
He said the cycles in terms of eggs/embryos were comparable and he is happy with the numbers, the quality of the embryo’s this time around were better than last time, but the same deterioration happened post day 3. The sperm sample on the day was the best OH has had since we started on this journey so we think the multivitamins he has been taking and lifestyle changes may have had an effect. In essence we are told that the sperm sample can fluctuate a lot and so there is just no knowing how it will be on the day, but it is going in the right direction. Now that I have had two cycles he will admit there is a pattern forming  but it’s not possible to say whether it is the egg or the sperm (or both) causing the problem, it’s likely to be the sperm but impossible to say for certain.
We discussed Day 3 vs Day 5 transfers, his preference is to get the embryo’s back as soon as possible if there are clear front runners, if it’s not possible to choose the best ones then he would opt for a Day 5 transfer. It is possible that the embryos could form blasts within me but not within a petri dish, he has seen the poorest quality embryos work before so you just never know (I know I know, it only takes one).  However for us, if we’re not producing blasts then it’s possible there is a genetic issue.

We discussed various tests that we could do to help diagnose or influence how to do our next cycle . . . he thought there was no point in seeing a urologist at this stage, it’s unlikely they will be able to tell us anything given the improvement in OH’s sample over our ICSI cycles. We discussed chromosomal karyotyping, this is a pre-requisite for some clinics before starting IVF/ICSI, it’s unlikely this will show anything for us both as it only detects major chromosomal defects but it may be worth doing for peace of mind. With regards to other tests, DNA fragmentation and Sperm Aneuploidy, he didn’t think these were worthwhile as these figures can also fluctuate, if we were to go ahead with these we have to be aware of the limitations of the results in that they look at a snapshot of the sperm at that time, on the day of ICSI the sample could be better or it could be worse, it will not help us in choosing better sperm. This was a little hard to hear, before we saw him we were adamant that we should do this type of testing before progressing, but we can see his point, it won’t help our upcoming cycle or change our situation (as we’re not going to give up just yet) and so should we bother? He said that the results of a DNA fragmentation test will only help determine whether to do ICSI or conventional IVF, as we’re already doing ICSI it won’t tell us anything new, he asked us to think about what we will do with the results, will it stop us from doing another cycle? I guess the answer is no.
 
We also discussed PGD (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis) and CGH (comparative genomic hybridisation), these are expensive options we could do in the future, unfortunately for us though it only helps in choosing the best embryos (or eggs) so this may not be useful if we can’t also select the best sperm in the first place to make the embryo. For this the latest technique is IMSI (intracytoplasmic morphologically selected sperm injection) as opposed to ICSI (intracytoplasmic sperm injection). It’s just like ICSI but uses a higher degree of magnification to choose the sperm, it’s thought that the fertilisation and success rates could be higher for people in our situation as they are hopefully choosing sperm that is less fragmented right before injecting into the egg.  I had looked up IMSI briefly before our appointment, I could only find one clinic near us (in London) that does this, it seems to cost a few hundred pounds more which is not much more in the grand scheme of paying for a treatment cycle. IMSI is not available at our current clinic, but the consultant offered that if we decided to pursue this in the future, he would be happy to link us up with a satellite clinic abroad (possibly France) for the egg collection/transfer part of the cycle. This seems like our only option moving forward in the future. Other tests we could do are full chromosome karyomapping and SNIP technology, I’m not sure what this would tell us but it’s something else to add to our list of research for the future. We discussed immune testing briefly too but given that we can’t seem to get to the implantation stage yet (we need to make a decent embryo first) he thinks we should hold off on this for the moment.

Our first ICSI cycle was NHS funded, we are lucky enough to be in the right postcode area to have funded cycles but have a restriction of 6 months between cycles, this is why we opted to privately fund our second ICSI cycle to bridge the gap. This means our next cycle will be NHS funded which is great but means we can’t do any extra fancy stuff, so we’ll take the NHS cycle and give it another try and ramp up OH’s vitamins based on some of our own research we have done, if this doesn’t work we can then perhaps pay for an IMSI cycle afterwards.
In terms of other lifestyle factors, the amount of alcohol we have (not much) he thinks is absolutely fine, he said just be sensible, no binge drinking and advised that during treatment I don’t drink. Eat a sensible diet, have my vitamins, continue with acupuncture if I find it relaxing and the OH should try to keep his stress levels down.

So we agreed a plan:

• Chromosomal karyotyping – he will write to my GP to see if they will fund this test for us both, it’s just for peace of mind (I’m persistent).
• Change my stimulation medication from Gonal F (recombinant FSH) to one from natural sources, such as Menopur or similar, just to see if it makes any difference.
• Agreed to transfer two embryos even though it’s an NHS cycle (did I mention how persistent I am)
• Keep up the good diet / lifestyle / mind & body relaxation.

Are we filled with hope, no not really, but we have to try again and in the mean time we’ll research IMSI and simply hope for the best. We might proceed with the other sperm DNA fragmentation tests anyway, he understands that we feel helpless and just want to gather as much information as possible. In the meantime the hundreds of vitamins keep arriving through the post box!

We felt relieved after the appointment to draw a line under it and to look ahead, but it didn’t last long. By late evening, I went in to a serious meltdown when I got home, we both did, so much so that we both could not go to work today and face people. I put on a brave face about 90% of the time, it’s impossible to sustain and stay positive and pretend everything is normal, we’re so far from normal that I’ve forgotten what normal is. I don’t want to burden anyone so I find myself distancing myself more and more, who’s interested in someone going through their third cycle or however many more we might need?!

Today is a new day and we do feel a little better, but our life is the same still and we have no choice but to keep putting that brave face on and keep going. 

Apologies for my longest post ever (zzzz).

Distractions

After a few tears (no surprises the second test was also negative) we put on our brave faces and made it to the Royal Wedding party our friends were hosting, it was all going so well until a baby was thrust at me to hold within a few minutes of arriving. I think I handled it quite well! I was mortified initially, but then it was fine, she is a little cutie pie so I forgave her :-)

Here is the Union Jack cake I previewed on twitter . . . my work of art (copied of course!). After a good couple of hours in the kitchen I ended up having to cheat slightly but I'll leave you guessing, I just had a bfn so I made up my own rules! 

We had a good time, well tried to, but it was hard, lots of moments where you catch yourself having a good time and then you remember your real life, another cycle failed, it's heartbreaking. Today has been more difficult for us both, it's hard to accept that it's over and that we're back to the drawing board again. 

Anyhoo, back to the Royal Wedding, our friends put on a great party, there was lot's of typically English cakes and sandwiches, lots of bubbly to go round and Kate and Will masks to wear :-)

Tomorrow we go away for a couple of days for a wedding, I'm hoping this might lift our spirits a little.

Strike Two

I gave in this morning and finally tested, unfortunately there was just the one line :-( 

I thought it would be easier to handle a negative test than to wait for any spotting or AF, I was right, it was 'easier' to take the news as you're mentally preparing yourself, whereas last time I was taken aback, even though I had cramps and feared the worst it was still torturous to see the spotting.  So I wanted to avoid that this time, we waited for as long as we could and tested just one day before our OTD, today I am 10dp3dt (10 days past a 3 day transfer, so 13dpo (13 days past ovulation/egg collection). We have felt so positive throughout and I've been feeling so calm that it was a real shock for us both.

Tomorrow our lovely friends are throwing a Royal Wedding party and it starts early in the morning so we wanted to test today in case the news was bad to have some much needed time to ourselves to console each other. I will test again tomorrow anyway just to put our minds at rest that it really is over. I think it will be hard to attend the party and act as 'normal' as most of the people there are unaware of our situation, and as far as I am aware there will be only one pregnant lady and a handful of kids/babies, so may have to hide away a little for my own sanity if I'm too emotional. We also have a wedding this weekend, but at least that will keep us busy, I'm just thankful we're not back at work until Tuesday, I can't face that right now.

Ironically a good friend of mine gave birth this morning in the early hours, she is a few days earlier than planned but we knew it was coming as her waters broke the other day, she has had a teeny tiny little girl. This friend has been a great support lately, it's funny how you can support each other when you're in situations that are poles apart, but weirdly we've been able to make it work by being honest with each other.

The hardest part I think is telling people our news, especially our parents, as we know they feel our pain as much as we do, I hadn't cried all morning until I spoke to my mum and she started crying too, I think I'm still numb. I guess more tears will come in the days that pass as I realise another little part of me has broken inside.

Everything seemed to have gone so well with our cycle, other than perhaps our embryo quality, it was definitely better than last time but we still did not have any good quality ones left to freeze. I'm not really sure what we can do about this but will discuss with our consultant once I've notified them our news when it reopens on Tuesday.

I know we can try again, I know it may work next time, I know we're strong enough to get through it, they're all things that are hard to hear right now, it's just incredibly hard.

I'm left wondering if I we'll ever see those elusive two lines, but hopefully one day we will, until then it's back to the drawing board and the brave face.

Moonembies Landed

Just a quick update post transfer today, all went well and we have 2 moonembies on board, woo hoo :-)

We thought there would be a discussion with the consultant about how many to transfer but there was no need, they assumed we wanted two and so we just went with it. The procedure at this clinic was slightly different to my first clinic (mainly that it was not ultrasound guided, instead the consultant, Michael, and nurse assured us they have been transferring this method with success for years). Our embryologist, Nicola, talked us through the embryo's again and detailed the stages and grading. So pleased to hear there had been some further progress on our top two moonembies, they are now both 9-cells.

DAY 3 UPDATE AT TRANSFER

• 6 embryos growing
• 2 are good (one grade 1, one grade 2 - both 9-cells), 
• 4 are average (one grade 2-3, three grade 3) - will be taken to Day 5

They will continue to grow our other 4 moonembies but I'm guessing they will not make the grade for freezing based on our first IVF cycle and their current grading. Overall we're really pleased though and kinda excited. We had already come to the conclusion last time that maybe a Day 3 transfer might be best for us based on the quality of our embryos from Day 4 onwards but were willing to go with what the new clinic advised. It seems the quality of our top two moonembies are better this time round so hopefully a good sign.

We watched our moonembies on the screen (bizarre) and then they were loaded into the catheter for transfer and hey presto, the moonembies have landed and I hope they're getting all snuggly. Nicola gave us a couple of pictures too, apologies the quality is not great.

 

I read an article in the Guardian a while back that mentioned laughter can increase the success of IVF, I'm not sure if I believe it but thought it can't hurt and some other tweeps have been doing the same, so when we got back I got cosy with my blanket and we watched some stand up comedy :-) I also listened to the post transfer relaxation CD by Zita West to get me in the right frame of mind. On our first IVF cycle I didn't get the opportunity to rest and relax as my dad was taken very ill suddenly, so trying to make the most of it this time and also have an acupuncture session booked in with Dr Angel for tomorrow.

OH is taking good care of me and will slap my hand when he gets back from playing his weekly football match for writing a blog update, so better get back to resting :-)

Moonembies Coming Home

We still have 6 moonembies growing :-)

DAY 2 UPDATE

• 6 embryos growing
• 4 are good (grade 2), 2 are average (grade 3)

Here is today's update:

DAY 3 UPDATE

• 6 embryos growing
• 2 are good (one grade 1, one grade 2 - both 7-cells), 4 are average (one grade 2-3, three grade 3)

As there are two clear front runners they would prefer to do the transfer today, they will grow the others to Day 5 but if our last cycle is anything to go by then I think we might be doing the best thing by taking the best ones now and putting them back where they can hopefully be more cosy!
The debate over transferring one moonembie or two is continuing, I'm afraid of the risks of carrying two in my small frame (not sure if that matters) but anyhoo will see what they clinic say and go with their recommendation.
I'm scared and excited, all rolled into one moonball.

Six

Phew, we got the call this morning and the numbers are in, so far so good  -

DAY 1 UPDATE

• 13 eggs collected
• 10 mature and suitable for ICSI
• 6 embryos

So we have 6 ickle embies growing in a petri dish . . . a 60% fertilisation rate, the same rate as cycle 1, but we're hoping this time our embies are stronger.
As of last night I'm taking a progesterone supplement, last time I was on crinone, the new clinic has given my cyclogest this time, twice a day. I'm also due to start taking an antibiotic, doxycycline, prophylactically from today for one week to prevent any urinary tract infections.

Providing we get to transfer we can apparently take a CD with us to listen to music of our choice! Would be interested to hear if any of you have done this and what song you chose, help! :-)
 
And so we wait . . .

Egg Hunt

Well what can I say, I love sedation, especially after my egg collection experience in my last cycle :-)

The numbers are in, 13 eggs . . . hopefully 13 is lucky for us.

It's hard not to compare cycles but I guess natural to do so . . . this cycle has been easier overall, I'm a dab hand at injecting, the side effects much less and I responded quicker. Last time I had 15 eggs, 13 of these were mature, and of those 8 became embryos. So my number of eggs is slightly less than last time but I'm going for quality not quantity this time.  In other good news, the embryologist gave us a run down of OH's sample stats, and it's much improved, we both breathed a big sigh of relief.

All the staff at the clinic were so lovely to us throughout and very calming, especially Tina (OH calls her Nurse Sparrow). We also saw the consultant too which was nice and he gave me a little pat on the shoulder, bless. Oh and then we met Mr Smooth, the anaesthetist, omg he was super smoooooth! The only thing that hurt this time around was putting the cannula in and so I told Mr Smooth off about this, as you do! :-) before I knew it I was asleep and then back in the waiting area.

Fingers crossed my little eggies are getting down and dirty in the petri dish, lol.

Pull the Trigger

Whoop whoop it's trigger day!  

Can't believe it's come round so quickly this time . . . have to say I am feeling relaxed this time around [not hard to be more relaxed than last time though, I was uncontrollably worrying throughout the first IVF cycle] and I'm just 'trying' to go with the flow as much as possible. I think on the outside I seem quite calm to everyone and that maybe it isn't much of a big deal but inside I am still quite anxious.

I saw the lovely Dr Angel last night, she says I'm looking well and is pleased with my progress [yay]. I got yet another ear acu sticker to help me sleep :-) and she even tried some craniosacral therapy on me [yes, I will try anything at the moment]. She just tried it for the last 15 minutes of my session to help address my 'balance' by listening to my 'rhythm' and apparently helping my cerebrospinal fluid move freely around my central nervous system. Anyhoo, it felt nice and it left me with a floaty feeling. 

So, it's 10:35 . . . 10 minutes to go until my Ovitrelle trigger injection, eeek!  I will wait until I have injected before publishing my post :-)

Trigger Pulled @10:45pm

I'm done bang on time, come on eggies!

All Systems Go

Woah, it's all systems go in the world of Moon.

I rocked up at the clinic this morning for my first monitoring scan for IVF 2.0, if my first cycle was anything to go by I'm usually a slow starter on the old follicle front (see cycle 1 posts - Wakey Wakey and Grow Follies Grow) and so even though it's Day 8 of my stimulation injections, which was later than my first scan last time, I did still feel a tad bit nervous this morning. I went in to the scan room, had my hand slapped as I took my Gonal and Suprecur that morning, oops! (I could swear Nurse Chillax didn't mention about not taking my drugs until after Mr Wandy but anyhoo it's all a bit of a blur, she probably did and I have a case of selective memory loss).  All worked out ok though and my dose has not changed. BUT egg collection has moved from the scheduled dates, instead of next Monday it will now be THIS FRIDAY!!! yikes!

I don't have an exact follicle count this time, and I kinda like it, she went over it all fairly quickly and I decided it was probably better for me not to over analyse everything this time round, as long as Nurse Chillax was pleased then I should just chillax myself! Saying that, some of it did stick in my head . . . my lining is looking good at about 8.6mm, my left ovary already has one follicle at 18mm, she said there are a few good sized ones on this side and some smaller ones too. Over on the right (remember the sleepy right ovary?) she said there are a few on this side too so it's good that my ovaries are responding more evenly this time. She said we're looking at about 10 follicles maybe and some others may grow in time but she would like to move egg collection early as I am responding well (never thought I would hear such words in relation to little Moonie).

So I'm feeling a whole roller coaster of emotions . . . scared . . . excited . . . nervous . . . dreamy . . . bloated (nice) . . . excited

Mooninjector

Thanks @LilyTaj for inspiring me to write a post titled 'Mooninjector' :-)

I had my baseline scan yesterday at the new clinic with Nurse Chillax, all seems well and I was in and out of there in about 15 minutes but a few grand lighter, ha!  It was all so quick, I had my scan and she said my lining was nice and thin, about 3.4mm.  My left ovary was looking a little quiet (so it seems the opposite to my IVF cycle last time) and the right looked more awake, she said there were about 10 resting follicles so far (5 on each) and more may make an appearance as I start my stimulation injections, hope so.
I nipped across the corridor to see the pharmacist, she gave me some more needles to continue with the buserelin injections and also two gonal F pens, she then got me to do my first stimulation injection there are then, bonus!

After being frustrated that my baseline scan was moved 5 days forward because AF was a bit late it's all worked out fine, I have only been on my down reg drugs for about 2 weeks (half the time of IVF 1.0) and the dates for egg collection and hopefully embryo transfer will now all fall around the UK public holidays for the Easter break (easter. . .egg. . .easter could it be a sign!?).
So here we go, we're properly into IVF 2.0 now, yikes!


The brother-SIL saga continues, she texted me again this weekend whilst I was away on a hen do, she is now twisting things with my mum, I give up, I'm just trying to ignore 'it', she is a nut case and not one I need in my life right now.  So looking forward to my acu session tonight. c'mon Dr Angel, do your magic :-)

Also wanted to mention a great post I just read written by the lovely Jay @the2weekwait about Infertility Etiquette, take a look here.

Ear Ear

I love acupuncture, I wasn't sure I would be a fan, but it seems I am.

Dr Angel pulled out the stops at my session last week, she placed more needles this time and in slightly different places, there was even one between my eyebrows, freaky!

It was like a little therapy session, although instead of giving me any suggestions, she listened and then placed needles to try to fix it :-) We talked about how tired I was, the terrible AF pains this cycle and my sleeping problems, we even touched on the stress from my SIL and then she proceeded with her foot stroking thing. Turns out she learnt this stroking thing for relaxation from a healer she saw for 20 years, it works for me, must show OH how to do this properly.

To help with the sleeping thing she suggested some homoeopathic medicine, I'm a scientist by trade so I wasn't going to be fooled easily and interrogated her a little, lol, she cottoned on and so just told me of her own experiences. In the end, we decided together that with only 4 days left before my baseline (and hopefully starting stimulation injections) it probably wasn't worth it. Instead she said she'd like to try a little ear acupuncture, it all sounded very interesting, she prodded my ear with a metal probe in three points in my left ear (the side I sleep least on) and asked me which one could I feel the most. 

She then stuck a little sticky square thing in my ear, it had a little metal stud on it, similar to this photo I found on the BBC website [if it's good enough for Cherie Blair it's good enough for me]. I was to keep this in for as many days as I could, if it was uncomfortable or throbbing I could take it off at any time. If I felt stressed she said give it a little press.  I loved it, my own little acu to take home!  I felt a bit silly but my hair covered it well and I kept it in for a couple of days until I accidentally brushed it out when blow drying my hair [gutted].

Dr Angel didn't stop there in her quest to fix me, she then got me to sit up and used the moxa stick thingymebob at 3 places on my back to stimulate blood flow. Apparently moxibustion can be good for back pain or menstrual cramps, it left me with a really warm sensation on my back. Can't wait for my next acu session.

Sleepy Moon

I win the prize for the most number of yawns today.

On the whole, the down regulation phase is going ok, I'm more than a week in and dare I say it, it's better than last time, I'm just having the sleepless nights thang again. Some of my injections are a little painful, but I've realised that . . .

a) I probably should try inserting the needle at a 45 degree angle rather than 90 degrees, 

b) I need to concentrate and stop being so blasé about it, and

c) I probably should stop being a wuss!

Aunt Flo was due to arrive on Sunday, instead she is so kind that she sent excruciating pains the other night, so much so that I barely got any sleep, but she finally made her arrival last night. This means my baseline scan on Wednesday has had to be rescheduled, the earliest they can now fit me in is next Monday so all my dates will be pushed out a bit, boo hoo :-(

YAWN.

In other news, I finally met my brother in London yesterday, he was there for work so I took the afternoon off to attempt some kind of resolution to the crazy SIL situation. In summary, it was emotional but good, we talked, we cried, we talked some more. It was good to see him, I've missed him so much. We discussed the sequence of events, he made some brainwashed comments I did not agree with [but I guess it was never going to be perfect] and I had the opportunity to tell him how much this has all hurt me. I did not lower myself to her level, I did not make any inappropriate comments, I did not reveal my true feelings about her [I'm sure you can guess what they are anyway], in fact I think I deserve a medal. Funny thing is, SHE wants an apology from me, HA HA HA HA HA.

By sending 'that text' she has gone so far over that line there is no going back. I've asked for an apology for the text, I know full well she will not apologise for the accusations as this will be admitting she has lied, he said she won't apologise even for just the text, he'll ask but not to get my hopes up. I've admitted defeat to him, she has won, I can't compete with this craziness and I'm pretty sure she will not allow me to see my future niece/nephew that is due in July, if all I can salvage is some kind of a relationship with my brother I'll take all I can get, I think this was the most upsetting part for him to hear.  Anyway, in a nutshell, he said he will talk to her, so watch this space but don't expect any miracles.

DOUBLE YAWN.

Dr Angel

I met Dr Angel last night, my first real taste of acupuncture and I liked it!

I came back home feeling pretty relaxed and absolutely starving (is that normal?), I think I could have eaten a horse had OH put one in front of me (gross but you get my point). I decided to stay away from the l-a-p-t-o-p last night, so that was good as I stayed relaxed for the rest of the evening and didn't think much about work, of course I still had my phone  though (one step at a time) and I watched some 'trash telly' to keep me occupied . . . America's Next Top Model (final!!) and 90210 (how old am I?) :-)

Dr Angel asked me lots of questions about how I'm feeling right now and we had a good discussion about what I usually eat and any current stresses in my life.  She mentioned the cheese thing!  I've been a bit sceptical about this before but willing to give anything a try, and as I pretty much hate cheese anyway it wasn't a big deal, she confirmed that it's probably a good idea to keep avoiding this for now as the body will produce more mucus and we want everything to be free flowing with no obstructions. I asked about bananas, she wasn't too fussed about these as long as I don't have too many (gone off them though) and she insisted on avoiding raw vegetables, salad and fruit in the evenings, instead keep them to during the day when my body has more energy to digest and break them down, seems pretty straightforward. 

I laid on 'the couch' and Dr Angel checked my pulse qualities and tongue, similar to how Dr Energyflow did when OH and I saw him at our first acupuncture consultation (see OH's guest blog entry - Prickly Subject). She then did this really lovely massage/stroking thing on my feet for what seemed like ages, very very relaxing indeed. Apparently I can teach OH to do this to keep me relaxed at home when I need it.   Dr Angel inserted 7 needles in total, 2 in my legs, 2 in my ankles and 3 around my belly button.  They didn't hurt at all, I just looked a bit freaky when I looked down! she also put a heat lamp over my belly, mmm made me feel all warm and cosy!

I like Dr Angel, I'm glad I've tried something new (tick), she didn't make any promise of baby miracles (tick), she spoke genuinely (tick) and she thinks she can help me with worrying, relaxation and being more balanced (triple tick!), so I'm signing up for more of that.  I'll see her weekly from now on and more frequently around embryo transfer if I am fortunate to reach this stage again.

And relaaaaaax.

Seconds Out, Round Two

Today I started our second IVF/ICSI cycle.

First thing this morning I injected buserelin (Suprecur) . . . no major panic, I just did it, I didn't even take a photo this time, I guess this is what happens second time round. Even though I didn't inject buserelin in my first cycle (I used a nasal spray 3 times/day) I'm a bit of a dab hand at injecting after all those shots of Gonal F and so it was pretty uneventful.

I've nothing much to report really, I feel less anxious than I did last week about starting today and have just kind of accepted it I guess. I've tried to stay busy today (baking, shopping, cooking, tweeting, blogging) and not dwell on what I'm doing or over analyse anything, seems to be working so far.

There is an update on the brother-crazy SIL gate, he texted late last week to say can we put our meeting on hold, he'd like to be upfront with my SIL and needs to pick the right time to speak to her. I was a bit annoyed at first (he could have discussed this with my SIL without me even knowing and then got in touch if there was an issue . . . of course there is going to be an issue) but after a few minutes I just felt sorry for him, such a sad situation that he has to ask to see his sister.  So we wait. I'm a dab hand at that too.

Anyhoo, I've now got the Zita West relaxation CDFs loaded on to my iPhone so all good to make a start this week and I have my acupuncture appointment on Tuesday with Dr Angel too. So by Wednesday I'm hope to be floating :-)

Moon's Butterfly Cakes

Chillax

I read a really good article shared by one of my tweeps over on twitter, the lovely @IVFChronicles so I thought I'd share it here (see link below). It's about the psychological effects of infertility on both females and males, and whoaa I can identify with so much of it.

The Psychological Impact of Infertility by Jo Perkins at Therapy Today

I've had a bit of a difficult week since my birthday so have been hiding a bit from my blog, ironic really, as I started it in the first place so I could write how I was truly feeling and let it all out and now I'm hiding from it, work that one out.  
I don't want to write a miserable post but just to fill you in on the highlights, my sadness this past week is mainly to do with the 'brother-SIL gate' as I'm normally pretty close to him and spoke to him frequently, I guess I just really miss him. I did speak to him on my birthday last Tuesday, on the whole I suppose it went well compared to the last phone call but it was super awkward and despite him trying to be normal it was still upsetting. We briefly spoke at the end about the awful SIL text and how upsetting this still is for me but that he is my only brother and I will always love him and not let her drive a wedge between us, felt good to finally say that to him. I've asked to meet him when he is next in London for work and offered to take time off work if he needed to get back to Bristol at a reasonable time (I realise now that might have been a bit presumptuous that he wouldn't tell my SIL, but anyhoo too late now). He finally texted earlier this week and the first time we can get together is Monday 28 March and I'll take the afternoon off work to meet him . . . so plenty of time for me to get myself all worked up about it (no point pretending I won't do this, I'm 100% sure I will).

Moving on . . .

Last Thursday was our medication teach session with our new clinic . . . here we met Nurse Chillax! Such a lovely lady, she is soooo chilled out and so I'm hoping this is going to rub off on me a little bit :-) She assured me everything is going to be fine (love her optimism) and as I'm familiar with the Gonal F she just showed me the buserelin (Suprecur) injections as I did the nasal sprays last time, seems pretty straightforward. I've paid our first little payment, signed a zillion forms and have my first baseline scan booked in already, yikes. 
To say I'm a little anxious is a bit of an understatement, I think the emotions I'm running through are fairly normal so I'm not too worried, just the usual, can I do this again, can I cope with another failed cycle and so on. These past couple of days instead of worrying about it I'm trying to focus on what I can do make myself feel better and if I increase my chances in the process, bonus!  Here's what I've been doing, it's early days though -

• I'm eating breakfast (novel for me, I tend to only partake in my most hated meal at the weekends when OH tempts me by bringing me some delights whilst I'm still in bed or doing things like Toast With a Smile).
• I'm walking to work (admittedly it only takes two minutes longer than driving as the car park is a bit of a walk, do not ask how close my new office is to home, it's embarrassing I ever drove! my defence is my hair does not do rain :-)).
• I'm eating more fruit.
• I'm drinking more water (still not enough but getting there, my bladder is small!).
• Booked my first acupuncture appointment with a lady called Angelika (I'm hoping this is a sign and that she is indeed an Angel that will look after me and make me calm).
• I'm reading before bed (to take my mind off anything stressful - work, IF, crazy SIL, whatever)
• Stop procrastinating at work (hmm a work in progress)

Not a bad list eh? If you have any other suggestions let me know. I realise 'exercise' is missing from this list, but one step at a time huh.

All The Threes

Both OH and I turn 33 within two days of each other, spooky huh! This joint event has not gone unnoticed by Mooncat, she provided us with a gift this morning in her own unique way, a little birdie, so kind of her.

In one way it's good to be home from our snowboarding holiday but in other ways, not so much as it means facing reality. There has still been no contact from my brother after the vile text from my sister-in-law over two weeks ago, ugh, I'm so upset by it all and keep crying. As one friend pointed out today, I'm grieving the loss of him, which I guess kinda makes sense. In my opinion, the whole sorry situation has ruined both our birthdays, when we landed back on Saturday and got home there was no birthday cards from him . . . what did I do to deserve this? 
I'm annoyed at myself that I allowed this to upset me all day on OH's birthday, and weirdly enough two cards did arrive from him today, I'm guessing he may have sent this secretly but anyhow I guess that's a good sign? I don't expect him to call tomorrow on my birthday, I'm sure she will have given him an ultimatum, but for now, I just appreciate that maybe I haven't lost him forever yet.

So, tomorrow I will be 33, woah, feels weird, I thought we would possibly be on baby number two by now!

I'm hoping to have some smiles tomorrow, I've got off to a good start this evening when we received flowers, choccies and champagne from my lovely mother-in-law, how sweet :-)

I've spent the entire evening in my pyjama's with a glass of wine and some girly telly, can't beat a bit of Brothers & Sisters, America's Next Top Model and Glee!