Must Try Harder

Hmm tough one, I've been trying to write this blog post for a couple of days now, I plucked up the courage yesterday and wrote some notes on how I've been feeling, reading them back now I realise how far I've come today, I feel a bit stronger. In these past few days my tweeps have kept me sane and listened to my sadness, I'm so grateful for their support. I've typed up my notes as I promised myself I would write how I was feeling and I'd be hiding if I didn't post it. 

As I mentioned in my last post, I started spotting on Friday morning, I knew in my heart it was over as I had been experiencing constant stomach cramps since Wednesday, so I stayed home from work anyway so I could take it easy and try my hardest to remain a little positive (an impossible task really).  My brother called that evening, I explained how I was feeling and what not, he then dropped his bombshell (for those select few in my real life reading this, please cover your eyes now), his wife is 5 weeks pregnant, they didn't even realise it could happen so soon . . . and such like phrases. They just got married at the end of August so I can forgive them for thinking it wouldn't happen quite so quickly, ironic really, from one extreme situation to another. I am of course happy for them (I'm going to be an Auntie for the first time!!!!) but their timing is impeccable (he must take after my Dad's timing perhaps) and I guess it just highlights my predicament even more, we really do have a medical problem that prevents us from having children like 'normal' people do.

Needless to say I have been in various stages of a crying mess since Friday reaching it's most advanced stage on Sunday :-( My stomach cramps continued as did the spotting, by Sunday I did a test, I pee'd on a stick (my second one ever since TTC, they don't get any easier do they?). Of course it was negative, what else would it be after the year I've been having? I felt incredibly incredibly sad, the saddest I think I've ever felt, my heart literally feels broken, two months of scary drugs and procedures all for nothing. Not sure what else is worth saying about it really as it's just been more of the same since then, up, down, up, down . . . the up's are really only when I forget for a split second. On the plus side (ha, only kidding!), Aunt Flo has been making herself feel very welcome, it really is like drawn out torture.

I called the clinic yesterday to tell them the news as it was still a day or two before my stupidly long official test day . . . just when you think my day could not get worse, the nurse advises me that the HFEA new rules (she meant PCT I think) mean that there has to be a minimum 6 month break between fresh cycles (we didn't have any super quality embryo's to freeze so no FET cycle for me) . . . 6 months?!?!  they're having a laugh, surely!?  6 months from the end of this cycle too not the start of it.  I can understand perhaps a 3 month break but 6 months feels ridiculous. 

My tweeps tell me that perhaps this is a Bourn Hall thing because their waiting lists are so long as other clinics in the UK advise 3 months only.  I've had a little look online (still cannot find anything official yet), but it seems it's a PCT thing, so it's the East of England's new plan as of this year.  The nurse then went on to tell me that I will receive a letter in the post, it may or may not tell me that I need to come for a follow up appointment, depends if they think there were any issues to discuss . . . Err hold on a minute . . . I may be a crying mess at the moment but I'm not stupid. I'd like to discuss my cycle with someone and get some information about it, the nurse then 'offered' that I could of course book an appointment if I wanted to, well I do want to, so I did, earliest they can see me is 31 Jan.  Have to say that although Bourn Hall have been great until now, like really great (other than all the waiting) their 'after-care' service is a bit lacking, she could have taken the time to explain things and be a bit more gentle.

The day did get a bit better yesterday though (would you believe it, apparently, it is possible for such phenomena to occur). These beautiful flowers arrived from my lovely mother in law from overseas, so sweet and thoughtful.

I still haven't been in to work yet since the spotting started, I couldn't face it.  The office has been a hard place to be lately, the guy opposite me just became a first time father about 2 weeks ago and the office talk is baby related all day long, it's been ok to handle for the most part, but I can't face that right now, there is nowhere to hide there. I know I have to face work some time but I'm worried that I can't just bounce back after all the heartache and sadness, sure I can put on a brave face (I've become a pro these past couple of years), but this IVF cycle and the stress of 2010 has made me feel weak, I don't feel strong any more and I know inside I will continue to suffer for a long time to come. Today is the first day I feel a bit brighter, I just hope it continues.