Unplugged

I’ve decided to take a little break from twitter, I plan to return soon but in the mean time I still hope to blog through my third ICSI cycle . . .

I’m doing this in an attempt to stay as sane as one can be in a treatment cycle and I think I need to unplug for just a little while.  I’ve been struggling with all the stresses in my life recently, they are all getting on top of me and I guess everything is becoming too much. Even being on twitter from time to time can increase my anxiety which is ironic, as before this is the first place I would turn to. I hope my friends on twitter understand that I need to take a break for a little while and concentrate on this cycle and do what I need to do to get through it, it feels a little selfish but I’m finding it hard to read about other people’s stories at the moment – both those with good and not so good news, all are making me feel more anxious.

My counsellor advised that I have to let go of something, at the time I had decided that I would let go of my brother/SIL situation ('You Can't Choose Your Family'), this only lasted a week or so unfortunately. Right before leaving for my bridesmaids duties he texted out of the blue after not being in touch for about 8 weeks. I won’t go into the details but I wasn’t best pleased with the tone of his texts and I realised he is not the brother I miss, I miss who he used to be.  Since the wedding he has made an attempt to resolve the situation with my parents given that their first grandchild will be making an appearance into the world any day now and he wants them to visit as soon as the baby arrives. He has also been in touch with me again to say he’d like to speak to me this week, I’m not sure how I feel about this as I have enough on my plate but I guess if he makes the call I will hear him out.

I have already accepted I won’t be meeting my niece/nephew anytime soon and I’m acutely aware there is no quick fix to this, but this doesn’t make it any easier to handle. Actually breaking news from Tuesday is that the crazy SIL has contacted my mum to pass on a message to me, to ask me not to contact my brother at the moment, I took 10 steps back in my quest to stay sane when I heard this. Seriously, I give up, they are causing me more grief than I can handle right now.

In terms of my cycle, I’m 12 days into my down reg phase, the injections are going fine, but unlike last time I am struggling with how they are making me feel, I'm literally having to just take one day at a time and I’m trying to be strong. AF has also made an appearance, as expected during down reg it was just a day or so late like last time, yet again no miracle baby here!  The pain has been awful at times but I’m getting through it. So I’m all set for my baseline scan in the next few days and then the plan is to try a different stimm medication this time, one that’s more fiddly and requires mixing so I’ll be having a demo next week.

Both Mr Moon and I are struggling a bit this time round, we feel so alone which is making us hide away a little, probably not a good thing, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to just ‘pretend’ everything is fine and we are normal when we couldn’t feel further from it. It’s difficult to be full of hope when we don’t understand why there were no real answers in Mr Moon’s recent tests. I saw Dr Angel for my acupuncture this week and she gave me a lot of useful advice, she asked me to keep an ‘open mind’ about this cycle, she’s so sweet, she didn’t tell me to be more positive, she didn’t tell me to less negative, instead something about the way she described just about being ‘open’ to the possibilities made me feel brighter.

I know many others are going through difficult times too and it makes me sad to think there are people out there just like us, feeling these same emotions, I wish I could fix it for them. I wanted to give a little shout out to one lovely lady, @ladyisis, her latest post made me cry and I can relate to a lot of her emotions, we seem to be on the same wavelength, this is the one good thing about twitter, I have found some people that I can truly relate too. Here is her blog with her latest post, please send her some support . . . Don't Look Back

On a positive note, one thing that has helped last week was meeting two tweeps, @ivfchronicles and @lilytaj, in London for the day. I can’t describe how it felt to meet two lovely ladies who know exactly how I’m feeling right now, I felt connected to them straight away. I’m so pleased @lilytaj stopped by in London on her holiday (she lives in Oz) which gave us all a reason to get together and eat cupcakes, yum yum.