Spot the Difference

I was hoping that my next blog post could be one a little chirpier for a change, you know about how I'm randomly keeping myself busy through the dreaded 2ww, tick tock, tick tock. I should be so lucky.

I've had stomach cramps pretty much continuously from Wednesday lunchtime, today is Friday and I am 9dp5dt. On the first day the cramps were different to what I've experienced before, but yesterday it was more like AF pains :-(  This morning at around 7:30am I had a little bit of spotting :-((((

I've looked it up . . . I'm sure it signals the end, I called my clinic and they said to continue with the Crinone/progesterone for now, she didn't sound too hopeful but then I guess she is used to people calling up with such news.

I haven't gone in to work today as I can't face anyone and act 'normal' . . . I've been sat here consulting Dr Google, there are stories of people who have had spotting and the treatment has still worked but with my luck of late I think I will not be one of these people.

So, I sit, and I wait.  My cat did a good impression yesterday of how I'm feeling today, perhaps she is psychic?

I still have some cramps, no further spotting as yet, I feel pretty sure that this is the end of this cycle and it makes me feel so sad.

The Waiting Game

Hmm this first week of the 2ww really has been tough, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did!

We stayed up North at my parent's place as my dad was due to be discharged on Monday, we finally got the call to pick him up early afternoon. Unfortunately the morning did not get off to the greatest start . . . with all the snow we had overnight we were worried our not so sensible car wouldn't make it up the slope in my parent's street, so we'd made a plan to try move the car in the morning before the next flurry to somewhere more flat so we'd be ready to go. Whilst OH was packing the car he accidentally locked the keys in the car boot! great stuff!  He called a locksmith who couldn't open it . . . we then had the RAC breakdown people out and luckily they were able to open it, phew!  Just in time before we needed to pick up my dad (using their more sensible car!).  When we got to the hospital, his medicines weren't actually ready so we had to wait around for that and finally we got him back home and settled. After our little outing we decided actually we should just take my dad's sensible car home as more snow was due everywhere and it would be safer.

It doesn't take much snow at all to drive our country to a halt, as I type actually there are 7 jacknifed lorries stuck on the motorway not far from here!  Anyhoo, so off we toodle home . . . we get about half way and you would not believe it, but lights start flashing on the dashboard and we break down on the motorway, aarrhhhh!!!
Cue, more waiting, for the RAC breakdown again. It's mad, we never call the breakdown people ever, and we've had to call them twice in one day, I'm jinxed!!  After waiting an hour they turn up just as it starts to snow. So to be safe they tow us all the way back home.  Said car is now in the garage and is not yet fixed.

I feel like nothing is going right in my life right now, in fact all of 2010 has been really tough. Earlier in the year the company I work for announced it was closing my office(!) and the area I work in was no longer being invested in(!!). So right from February, this year has been pretty pants and since then it's been one thing after another . . . I won't bore you with all the details as it's depressing, but on top of this we have started our first IVF cycle after TTC for 2.5 years, ideal timing. 

As we're back home I thought I should go into the office yesterday (the first time in just under a week), but I think it was too soon after all the stress lately, I found it all a bit difficult really to just revert back to normal and get back to all the work as if nothing has happened or is still happening. By the time I got home I just felt so fed up that I just broke down, I'm not really sure why (progesterone? 2ww? going mad?) . . . I guess I'm just desperate for 2010 to not be a complete wash-out and I could really do with just a little bit of good news or a sign of things going my way. 

Remedy - hugs from OH <3  <3 <3  and yummy hot chocolate with biscuits.

Once I sorted myself out we nipped out in the cold to Tesco as I had the munchies and thought this would make me feel better, check out my shopping bill :-)  I didn't eat any of it, but it's all in the house now in case I need a pick me up! Mmmmm yum!

This 2ww stuff is rubbish, this morning I'm technically 7dp5dt, I think the trigger shot will be out of my system by now so I think I could pee-on-a-stick (POAS) now and put myself out of my misery but I'm just to scared of the negative result.  I still don't feel 100% but I'm convinced this is the Crinone/progesterone side effects as I had these symptoms before ET too, they are just less so than before. How do you handle IVF not working?  I think I will just fall into a heap, and then maybe get drunk :-(

This past week I think I have become a pro at the waiting game -

• waiting for my dad to get better
• waiting for my dad to be discharged from hospital
• waiting for the snow to melt
• waiting for my toes to warm up
• waiting for the RAC breakdown to get our keys out of the car boot
• waiting for the RAC breakdown to rescue us from the motorway
• waiting for the car to be fixed by garage
• waiting for the shed load of snow to arrive so I can get snowed in and stay at home with my duvet and hide from everyone
• and more importantly, waiting for the 2ww to be over and for someone to give me break

2ww

Well, this 2ww (two-week-wait) malarky is all a bit pants really.  
It feels different to the usual 2ww's as I'm not left wondering if the little eggie is meeting the little tadpole as I KNOW FOR A FACT they put an embryo back in there! All I need the little bean to do now is to find a nice resting place to implant in my lining and feel at home, how hard can that be? feels somewhat impossible.

I've not been able to blog for a few days as I had to travel up to my parent's place up North, my dad was much more ill than we had thought when I wrote my last post. Unfortunately he had another bleed in the brain (a different side to his first bleed) and this was pushing his brain to one side :-( He needed an urgent operation to drain the bleed and relieve the pressure. Thankfully the operation has gone well and he is recovering nicely, I'm hoping he can be discharged tomorrow and then me and OH will travel back home again (snow permitting!).  Not quite the relaxing start to the 2ww I had planned!
So back to topic! My embryo transfer was last Wednesday so today I think (still trying to get the lingo!) I am 4dp5dt which means 4 days past a 5-day transfer (although technically they transferred a morula rather than a blastocyst so maybe I should call it a 4-day transfer, who knows?).

Symptom check:
Generally - Think I still have the crinone/progestrone side effects like bloating
1dp5dt - Tried to relax, for what, maybe 2 hours, before getting news about my dad
2dp5dt - Some stomach cramps on and off all day, sore (.)(.)
3dp5dt - Cramps seem to have pretty much passed (bad sign?)
4dp5dt - Feeling pretty normal, (.)(.) not as sore any more . . . going mad!?

I'm not really sure what to make of it all, I didn't think I would over analyse all my symptoms (maybe that was silly to think I wouldn't do that as that sounds soooo like me, I love google!) . . . but I have, I've been looking up all sorts in case it's a sign, the result being that I've felt a bit up, a bit down, and a bit all over the place.

Anyhoo, I've persisted with eating the pineapple core and pineapple pieces, drinking pineapple juice and munching brazil nuts, bit sick of it now so I think I've done as much as I can to help with implantation.


It dawned on me this weekend that with blogging it means everyone following this, in real life, or in my infertility world, everyone knows EVERY step, there is no hiding. I know they are all waiting with me and wishing me well, but it does make me feel a bit vulnerable too, not sure how to fix that one.
Righty-ho, I think should do as OH says and put the laptop away and relax. . . hopefully my dad will be discharged tomorrow, the snow will magically disappear (and of course that the little bean has implanted) and we can head back home to some kind of normality. I'm a little sad that the start of my 2ww has not been as chilled and stress-free as I would have hoped, but you can't plan for these things and I had to be with my family, if my little embie makes it through all this then it must be a strong one.

Lucky 7

When 8 became 7, the Lucky 7, grow embies grow :-)

So looks like I really am still set for a Day 5 blastocyst transfer on Wednesday, yippee. I was so anxious before I called the clinic today as I know Day 3 is a big milestone to get to and I was expecting that more of our embryos might not make it.  As I spoke to a nurse she was unable to tell me any information about the grading of the embryo's and explained that the embryologist will go through this on Wednesday, so I have to be patient a little longer (boo).

After that phone call, dare I say it, I felt a teeny weeny bit excited, the first time ever since starting this cycle. I'm so proud our embryo's have made it this far and hope they all keep strong till my transfer day.

I couldn't concentrate on work this afternoon so I did a sneaky bit of research about embryo's and the different stages and came across a useful website, www.pregnancyivf.com that explains it in simpleton terms:

Day 0  Egg retrieval day. 

Day 1  Eggs checked for fertilisation (looking for the presence of two pronuclei)
Day 2  Embryos that have successfully fertilised should be at the 4-cell stage or more.

Day 3  Embryos should be at the 8-cell stage or more. 

Day 4  Embryos will be at the compacted morula (16-32 cell) stage.
Day 5  Embryos will be at the blastocyst stage of development.

The most important stages in development are:

• Fertilisation
• 4 to 8 cell stage
• Morula to blastocyst stage

More hurdles to pass then! I also hope that I have some quality embryo's left to freeze too, apparently only 10-20% of patients have good quality embryo's to freeze, I'm not sure how true this is or what the cut-off grade is at my clinic to qualify for freezing, will cross that bridge if we get there.

Anyhoo, I will call the clinic again tomorrow and hope my Lucky 7 are still having fun in their petri dishes waiting for me.

Cold Turkey

So I've gone cold turkey, today is my first drug free day for about 40 days, woo hoo!

I'm feeling better today compared to the emotional rollercoaster of yesterday, I've reverted to my favourite coping strategy, denial. It's not happening . . . what's not happening?

Symptom wise I'm doing ok today (is that because I'm drug-free?), my OH said I woke up this morning cradling my bosom (.)(.) ha ha! they are feeling tender today and after lunch the tummy bloating started, two of the known side effects of the Ovitrelle HCG trigger shot. The bloating has continued this evening, tummy feels quite weird really, firm in some places, like my ovaries might burst, I hope there are a lot of eggies waiting.

I'm still petrified about tomorrow but not much I can do about it right now, instead I've packed my little bag so I'm ready to go. I over analyse everything and so I've come to the conclusion that I'm so worried about tomorrow because:

• It's the fear of the unknown, 
• It seems like this is the most invasive procedure in the cycle, and 
• Will I cope with the pain and discomfort of it all.

Not sure when I'll next be back at work, could be Monday, could be late next week maybe (not that I could concentrate much today). I guess this depends on many factors, all of which are out of my control - how many eggs? what quality will the eggs be? am I at risk of OHSS? what quality will my OH's tadpoles be? how many will be suitable for ICSI? how many will fertilise? will they survive? when will the transfer be? so sooo many hurdles.
Anyhoo, needless to say I've said my mantra in my head a couple of times today to get me through it. 

• Take one day at a time 
• Be strong 
• I can do this

Would love to be able to fast forward to about midday tomorrow, when egg collection will be over and it will be another hurdle passed.

Grow Follies Grow

I've been on my Gonal F stimulation injections for 9 days now if you count tonight, go Moon, lol :-)

These past couple of days though I have been feeling a bit on the bloated side, not a good look I can tell ya. It's usually been happening in the evenings in the safety of my own home, but yesterday my tummy decided to spontaneously bloat out during a meeting with some of my new work colleagues, brilliant! I was wearing smart trousers and a fitted cardigan, nowhere to hide other than behind my pashmina, thought my trouser button was going to pop off (ha!). My boobs are on the up too (.)(.) and are a bit tender but I'm still not complaining about this one. Other things I've noticed is that I am starving ALL the time, either the drugs are doing their magic and working hard or I've turned into a greedy monster, I like to think the former.

So I had my second monitoring visit at the clinic early this morning to see how I'm doing on stimms, I was feeling so anxious about it that I sat bolt upright at 7am before my alarm went off and woke up my OH, oops. I was worried again about my little right ovary not responding and what this could mean and whether there is something wrong with it that we didn't know before. I'm not sure I spoke much on our 45 minute journey to the clinic, lost in my thoughts whirring around my head and of course, fearing the worst. These drugs definitely make you feel up one minute and then you come crashing down the next.

My scan was bit more uncomfortable this time compared to last time but it was worth it as there was some progress thank goodness.

Left Ovary

10 follicles (3 or 4 of these are below 10mm). Go lefty!

One small cyst (still there, but apparently they will aspirate this at egg collection)

Right Ovary

Woo hoo, some activity, only a little, but it's some. 2 teeny tiny follicles.

I didn't manage to get the follie measurements this time but I think some were at the 14mm stage, what size do follicles ideally need to be to release mature eggs?

I asked about my right ovary (again) and I was reassured that I shouldn't worry, it doesn't mean anything is wrong, it could respond on another cycle and that it's just disappointing it isn't responding this time. I'm pleased there is some activity now, might only be two teeny ones, but at least it's woken up, I doubt it will catch up in time but nevermind. I feel quite protective over my right ovary now, poor thing!

I had some more blood taken and collected some more Gonal F, seems I'm sticking to the same dose of 225IU and they'd like to see me again on Tuesday. They didn't call me in the afternoon like last time so I didn't get chance to ask about my estradiol level, guess it's back to the on a need to know basis so no over analysing opportunities :-) probably a good thing.

As we were up so early we tried to make the most of the day, we headed over to a shopping centre for retail therapy (much appreciated) and make a start on our christmas shopping (has to start some day). I was craving my favourite from Starbucks, but went for the decaf option, try saying this, hilarious - tall decaf skinny caramel macchiato with sugar-free vanilla syrup! In the evening my OH took me out for dinner for my favourite, Laksa, yum yum yum, if you haven't had this before, it's a spicy noodle soup with tofu and chicken, tastes divine and is so addictive. 

Bloated stomach + spicy soup = one round Moon.

i.am.spoilt

First things first, symptoms this weekend include . . .

• Feeling a tad bit irritable (just in time for the weekend, fab)
• Odd twinges here and there
• Feeling lazy (a symptom in my book)
• Bit spaced out after my 1st and 2nd injection for about 30 minutes
• Instances of stuck-in-pyjamas-syndrome!

Hmm as my first injection went so well I was a bit over confident with injection #2 on Saturday evening, I just wanted to get it over and done with so I moved at quick speed! Err not recommended for us first timers . . . forgot to pinch my skin to get that roll of fat (d'oh) and so it hurt a bit more than the day before, maybe I hit a capillary, I'm not sure. I thought today's injection #3 would be better, didn't rush this time, but then I forgot to let go of my roll of fat (nice) after injecting and clicking the doses in (double d'oh) so it still hurt a bit!? Maybe that's a symptom, lack of concentration!

I've been worrying a bit more than usual today about anything related to my treatment, the clinic didn't give me any advice on what I do when I'm getting to the end of one of my Gonal F injection pens, am I expected to do a partial dose from my current pen and a partial dose from my new pen, or just use a new pen? according to my tweeps, yes, 2 needles, boo. Given my poor performance with the needles this weekend I think it's wise to use my new injection pen tomorrow and later in the week when I've got the hang of it I will do the 2 partial doses and 2 needles in one night thing.  Also I've been concerned for a little while that for my first IVF cycle I appear to be missing a baseline scan, instead I went straight from down reg to stimm injections all by a mere phone call, feels a bit odd to me but I've done some research online and I think Bourn Hall just doesn't do them any more if you start down reg on Cycle Day 21 (I have been sniffing for 30 days now! yawn) and I wonder if it's because I'm NHS too. OH assures me that I'm sure the clinic knows what they're doing :-)

Anyhoo, back to the title of my post today, i.am.spoilt . . . that appears to be me this weekend -

Breakfast in bed
OH offered to help make my blog look pretty (hope you like it)
One v small glass of wine on Saturday (is that a crime at this stage??)
A lush lemon drizzle cake candle (smells divine) and . . .


 


. . . yummy chocolate cupcakes (we have demolished them all already!) from two very sweet friends.

i.am.spoilt.and.i.like.it.very.much

Furry Friend

Here's my furry friend . . .

Cute huh :-)

My furry friend was a birthday gift last year, she is adorable . . . she gives unconditional love, she is always there when I come home shattered from work full of love and cuddles, she makes me smile (a lot) and she sits by me quietly when I'm upset, bless her.

On the whole this week has been better than last week, but then again it wouldn't be hard to beat last Friday. I had a small blip mid-week, I've not been sleeping well generally since starting my down regulating drugs three weeks ago and this week I suffered a bit of insomnia.  I.love.my.bed. usually but not so much when you can't sleep. After 3 hours of trying to sleep I broke down in desperation . . . hmmm is it the drugs or am I actually going loopy? I like to think the former, but who knows.  I slept fine last night though and hope to tonight as well and to top it off it's the weekend, whoop whoop. Feel a bit more positive today too, I think this is down to finding some fellow IVF'ers on Twitter and having their unconditional support, it really does help.

I start my stimulation injections next week, my clinic, Bourn Hall, haven't told me what day exactly yet . . . they kinda feed you information one little bit at a time only, I'm sure for good reasons, but hard for a OCD-prone Mrs Organised.  I've forgotten some of what the pharmacist said about administering the injections :-/  Also I'm trying to have a high protein diet and taking Pregnacare Conception but I'm unsure on what other things I should / shouldn't be eating and drinking . . . that's my homework for this weekend.

Loopy, Lonely & Low

What a week :-(

Symptom wise I've not really been improving, still suffering from twinges and pains in all sorts of places and perhaps AF wanted to stick around for a bit longer just to be nasty . . . the menopause in a month, I get it and I'm well and truly over it, bye, see-ya, go away.

Intermittent headaches, not sleeping well, difficult to concentrate at work and exhausted too, ugh.

On Friday I hit an all time low, so so sad, so so so many tears and feeling so alone in all of this. That evening I said more than once that 'I can't do this' and 'I'm not superhuman' . . . how can I let myself fail at this first hurdle, how pathetic. 

One lovely friend gave birth to a very cute, healthy baby boy on Thursday . . . then another friend, even more lovelier than the first (one who I have confided in) announced her 12-week scan news on Friday.  I'm so happy for both of them, amazing news and they will make absolutely fantastic parents, no doubt about it.  At the same time though, as I'm sure fellow IVF'ers will understand completely, I felt devastated that my life is not moving along like it should, it's stopped still and I'm stuck. I had such an empty feeling that night, I felt lost . .  like a little bit more of my heart had broken and I cannot cope any more.

Cue miserable miserable weekend . . . cue understanding and very loving OH with lots of love and hugs and breakfast in bed too. Lots of silent, pondering moments, where we understand each other completely without needing to utter a word. 

By Sunday evening though, OH's magic has worked, after a long chat, somehow I feel lifted, no idea how, but I feel relieved to come out the other side, I really didn't think it was possible after Friday.

My new mantras

• Take one day at a time
• Be strong
• I can do this

Zzzzzzz

• Sleepy
• Headachey
• Bloated :(
• Feeling sorry for myself :( :(

In one way I'm getting used to the nasal sprays, the yucky taste is not so bad I guess, it could be worse . . . but in other ways my body is now definitely reacting, I'm not sleeping well and I have intermittent headaches all day. Bourn Hall said only to take paracetamol from now on . . . but it's rubbish, it literally works for about an hour and that's it.
I'm so sleeeeepy and in desperate need of a lie-in, but there is no chance, the latest I can take my nasal spray in the morning is 8am and it raises my heart rate and so there's no way I can get back to sleep again, I lay there like a lemon instead in my warm cosy duvet, boo :-(
Mmm feeling pretty sorry for myself, but I'm putting that down to exhaustion, I even fell asleep on the sofa before 10pm the other night, wowsers, I haven't done that in years. My OH is being super good though, looking after me, hugs on demand, I like :-)

Hmmm almost forgot to mention, I reckon I've gone up a bra cup size too, woo hoo, that side effect can stick around! The bloating, however, can f right off.  I know what the bloating means anyway, Aunt Flo must be on it's way, so c'mon Aunty, if you think you're hard enough.

Fuzzy

Thankfully the heart palpitations haven't returned so far, phew.

Symptoms this weekend include the following!

• Feeling fuzzy
• Slightly raised heart rate
• Boobs are growing!? :)
• Strangely off cakes and cookies!? :(

I've had a lovely weekend with some friends who came to visit . . . I almost plucked up the courage to tell another one of them about my treatment, share the load, but couldn't find the right moment though (is there ever a right moment?).