Wednesday, 29 June 2011

It's Good to Talk

Hmm, I haven't written in a while . . . kinda feel a bit in limbo some days . . . a bit lost, I seem to have no new words really, just the same old same old, so it's taken a little while to drum up some inspiration. One of my last posts, Three, was a bit sad, I still feel like that but I've made some steps to help find some zen in this maze I'm stuck in.

I had my first ever counselling session and met Ms Mellow . . . I wasn't really sure what to expect so I went with an open mind, some tissues and hoped for the best. The reason I have sought counselling is that I have reached a new level of stress, it's difficult to pretend I'm fine all the time when about 75% of the time I'm actually not ok, I'm just acting, it's easier that way.

She summarised everything I said back to me and instinctively picked up on a lot of the emotions I had felt at the time, she 'got me', which was nice, sounds silly but it actually made me feel relieved that she didn't think I was a loony. What she actually said was that she was surprised I was still standing given everything I had been through . . . right from our first investigations, to frightening tests and results, serious family health issues, my office closing and starting a new job, losing my brother through my SILs false accusations, all the waiting and the small matter of going through IVF twice, pumping myself with drugs to only find that neither cycle worked with no real answer why and no clear way forward.

Ms Mellow said something has to give, that I can't continue with all this on my shoulders. I think I'd come to this conclusion myself, as the thing I have already let go is the brother / SIL saga, I don't have the energy for it and as hard as it is, I have to accept I have lost him for now. I still cry about it at random times, even today still, but I guess this will get easier with time and hopefully I will get to meet my future niece/nephew some day.

One thing Ms Mellow said that really resonated with me is that it seems whenever I talk to anyone about my troubles or how I am feeling, whether that's Mr Moon, my friends, or my mum, that I am always thinking of them and what's going in their life too and by doing this I'm not truly saying how I feel, just skimming over it.  For instance, I guess I don't want to tell Mr Moon all my fears because it will upset him too, I don't want my mum to worry about me even more than she already does and I don't want to be a burden on any of my friends too much, they have enough going on in their own lives. So I sometimes I tend to skim over details, avoid topics, or be distant and hide away, I guess they are coping mechanisms. She explained that by speaking to her I don't need to temper what I'm saying or worry about what she thinks as it's one place I can speak freely, a safe place.

Cycle 3 is right around the corner too, I'm not sure what I think about that though, I'm not sure if I'm ready (will I ever be ready to put myself through another fresh cycle?) and so I'm on auto-pilot. Before that I'm lucky enough to be a bridesmaid for the first time in just over two weeks and so that's something to look forward to and focus on.

In other news I have been to two Hatha Yoga classes now, I like it!  I found this cute picture, it's the Half 'Moon' pose, hope I get to do this one soon :)
I even went for a run the other day and have started daily sit ups (can you tell I'm on the bridesmaid final countdown!).




Oh, I've fully immersed myself into Greys Anatomy too (thanks 
@ivfchronicles, @lilytaj and @ladyisis). I'm already onto Season 3 and LOVING it, makes me laugh and forget about my worries for 45 minutes, so it's no wonder I'm addicted to watching them back to back, it's kinda nice to escape.

7 comments:

  1. So glad you are taking care of yourself and that you found a good person to talk to. You do so much for others- I'm glad she sees that and is helping you prioritize yourself. xox

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  2. Hugs....it is so hard to act normal sometimes in front of others when things are just not ok, and I totally relate to cushioning some of the people we love most from our darkest moments and thoughts. I'm so glad that you've found a good counsellor. Enjoy yoga!

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  3. Just wanted to take my hat off and commend you to take up counseling and looked for a way to cope rather than forget. If we were machines we could erase memories and have brain transplants during our lunch hour.

    It can come to a point that everyone elses problems cannot be carried anymore due to the weight of the concerns you had for your own self preservation. Inevitably, you had to let go to save yourself.

    Sounds like a combination of Grey's Anatomy, yoga and a wonderful Ms Mellow counsellor to support you, you're moving in the right direction!

    Keep it up hun!! xx

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  4. It sounds like you got a lot out of your first session hon, I'm really glad. Sorry you're feeling so down but Ms Mellow is right and it's not surprising that you feel this way after everything you've been through.

    I'm trying to take some time out which is why I haven't been around as much recently so sorry I haven't been much of a support. We're planning IVF#3 in September to give ourselves a bit more of a break (and allow us to concentrate on the wedding for a bit!)

    Sending you lots of hugs & enjoy the yoga. I love the half moon pose!

    MyTTCStory xx

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  5. So proud of you for going to counselling and so pleased she seems right for u, it's v important to feel u connect. I definitely use that time to say the stuff I'm not saying to other people. Mine knows me better than anyone, even dh! Sounds like you're doing lots of positive stuff at the moonie, hope it all helps to get u stronger and in the right frame of mind for your next cycle. Love xx

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  6. I'm really glad that you enjoyed counseling and think it will help! I hope it continues to do so ;)

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  7. I'm so happy that you found someone to talk to that you click with! I have been thinking I might need to do that as well. Just to sort things out... I hope she helps you achieve peace with your brother, and possibly even SIL. Even if it's not the same as it was.

    And I have watched a shameless amount of Grey's this last two weeks. Simply shameless. It's like crack. And candy. Combined.

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