You Can't Choose Your Family

Along our TTC journey I’ve shared little tit-bits about the up’s and down’s with the sister-in-law (SIL) situation, it hasn’t been pretty (that’s an understatement) and I tried not to write too much about it on my blog as the ‘situation’ clashed with the failure of our first ICSI cycle and throughout our second ICSI cycle so there was more than enough to deal with. Instead I’ve mentioned it on twitter and here on my blog but probably not enough detail to put you in the picture, one of my tweeps, @saleschick, suggested I blog about it, and I think the time is right.

I could write for hours, but I’ll try (!) to summarise, if you have any advice, I’m all ears.

My brother is my only sibling, we are (were) very close, he’s 5 years older but I guess I acted more like the older sister. We don’t live near each other but talked on the phone 2 or 3 times a week depending on what was going on.
I didn’t share much detail of our TTC journey with him over the years, just key milestones . . . when I had suspected endometriosis, being referred to our consultant and then I shared a bit more info as we approached our first ICSI cycle.  He met my SIL maybe 3 years ago now, they have an incredibly volatile relationship, always breaking up and then getting back together. In the first year or so my brother would ask me for advice ALL THE TIME, he wouldn’t go into much detail but I would give the female perspective and help him work out a way to move forward with her. As time went on, they became more serious, got engaged, it was all moving quite fast. We got to know my SIL more and more, a little difficult at times as they were forever falling out / breaking up and we would just have to pretend that everything was fine. OH and I would try to stay out of any awkward situations and as difficult as it was I would shy away from conversations my SIL would try to draw me in to moan about my brother. My SIL resented that my brother spoke to me quite so openly, so in the last year or so we talked less in general, and definitely less about ‘them’, this was much easier all round.

Anyway, after numerous break-ups they decide they want to get married, and quickly too as they found a venue with availability in 11 weeks (interesting logic there), my parents and I expressed our concerns at the rush as they hadn’t proven they could even live together for any duration of time, he assured us it was fine so we supported them. I had always hoped I could be a bridesmaid for my brother, but seems that my SIL had other ideas, call me paranoid, but instead she proceeded to exclude me and definitely give me the sense that she didn’t like me much. I was hurt, there is no denying that, but I did what any sister would do and I continued to support my brother and helped with the arrangements he was responsible for.

Whilst they are on honeymoon and we were in the midst of our first ICSI cycle, my dad suddenly fell very poorly and was admitted to hospital.  OH and I spent a lot of time up North with my mum, ferrying her to and from the hospital, my brother and SIL also made frequent visits. On one of their visits, there was a tense atmosphere, she ignores us all, packs her bags and walks out of the house. Naturally we’re concerned and for the first time in a long time we ask my brother how are things with them and what’s going on?? He says that we wouldn’t believe it and he’ll send me a copy of a letter she has written to him later that night. The letter is shocking, it basically says that she wants marriage counselling after being married a month, otherwise maybe they should get divorced!? The rest of the letter seems like lots of tiny things that are blown out of proportion that don’t seem that important (we all didn’t know at the time that she was indeed pregnant at this stage). We decide to stay out of it, my dad was our priority and so we encouraged my brother to look into counselling. 

Lets fast forward to the outcome of my first ICSI cycle in Nov 2011, the day we realise that it’s failed I let my brother know as he happened to call, in the very same call, he decides to tell me that my SIL is 5 weeks pregnant and phrases such as ‘we didn’t realise it could happen this quick’ are muttered . . . so after being married for 3 months they are already pregnant, fabulous, I’m congratulatory of course but it was a little hard to hear on that day especially. We took the first ICSI failure hard, it was heart-breaking, I felt I couldn’t look to my brother/parents for support as they had happy news to focus on.  We decide life goes on so put on our brave faces and tried to enjoy a pre-planned family night on the town about 2 weeks later just before Christmas. We see my brother / SIL and congratulate them, I manage to keep my distance from my SIL until near the end of the night, eventually she plucks up the courage to speak to me. I speak honestly as she asked ‘how am I’, I tell her it’s hard, especially with my the problems with work earlier in the year and also my dad’s recent health problems and now the BFN it just feels like one thing after another. She says a couple of comforting remarks along the lines of talking to my mum more for support . . . then somehow she manages to transcend into a conversation about my brother and how difficult things still are (how do I get trapped in these situations!). I don’t say much as I’m in shock really, I let her talk at me for quite some time, eventually I excuse myself for the bathroom at which point I’m a crying mess as she suddenly made the conversation all about her AGAIN, I didn’t want to listen about their problems right now as I had enough on my plate.  OH rescues me and not before long the night is finally over.

A couple of weeks later we see them again at my parents for Christmas day, we notice that they are both being a bit weird with us but put it down to the fact that it’s an awkward situation for all, we just had our BFN and they are pregnant.  Move forward to a phone call in early February, I’ve had a 3 week break away on holiday and I’m feeling stronger so I mention to my brother that I’ve realised I need more support from my family as the ICSI cycles are really tough. Surprisingly he is quite abrupt back and we get into a heated conversation where he basically says - what did you expect when I told my SIL that hearing about their pregnancy was like a ‘slap in the face’. Obviously I’m outraged and in tears, this was a phrase I’ve never used before and suddenly I’m being accused of this and also lots of other mixed up things that have either been blown out of proportion or untrue. Over the next few couple of weeks there are a series of emails exchanged where I try to explain that is not my recollection of the evening, I maintain my dignity in it all, I don’t lower myself to her level and I don’t go into any detail as I can see it’s not going to get me anywhere. I also find out that she has read all of my private emails, chat messages and texts with my brother!? Randomly she texts me one day with disgusting and vile comments about how she will be making my parents grandparents first and that they have made a 'baby out of love' and that I have 'wrecked the family', basically rubbing our infertility situation right in our faces, completely unforgivable. Again, I do not lower myself to her level and I don’t reply.

I eventually persuade my brother to meet with me, it was awkward at first but then it was good to have a chat and see him. I clearly explain that I have done nothing but support them and suddenly I am being accused of numerous lies. He’s in a tricky situation, it’s clear to me what she is doing, but not so much to him. She is of course having the worst pregnancy which is not making any of this easier. I leave it with him to discuss it with her to decide a way forward. Instead of moving forward we take ten steps back, over the next few weeks sends more abusive texts to me and also calls my mum on several occasions dragging her into it all and being very rude to her about her issues with me, wtf?! Again, I don’t reply to any of her mad texts.

At this point, we’re at a complete loss of what to do and we are approaching egg collection for our second ICSI cycle, OH speaks with my brother and asks that he give me some space for the next two weeks minimum until I get in touch. Our second ICSI cycle also failed, again another heart-breaking and difficult time for us both. A few weeks later I make contact with my brother (by text during the day, apparently I’m not allowed to call him in the evening in case ‘she’ is there), we agree a date/time to talk properly which was last week. The call was hard, I still ask after her and the baby (am I a mug?) . . . I’m only really interested in my niece/nephew, they have decided that the only way forward is for my SIL and I to talk about the conversation in December . . . I have to remind him that this is so much more than that ‘conversation’ now, she has since dragged up so many many other things, yet I have not retaliated and said what I think of her and her behaviour over the years. I know what she wants to do, she just wants an opportunity to have her say to my face, this won’t get me anywhere because if I say one little thing about what I think about her actions she will surely just come back and say you can’t speak to your brother (which is her ultimate plan anyway). Judging by her recent behaviour I will just have to sit there whilst she shouts and tells her ludicrous lies to my face, I’m not strong enough to deal with that right now, especially when I don’t get my brother back, I explain this to him and he hadn’t really thought about it from my point of view. We have a family wedding approaching where I will be a bridesmaid to my cousin who has been more of a sibling to me of late (and which I am so grateful for) . . . my brother and SIL would like to come to the wedding even though my SIL will only be 2 weeks from her due date and it's a about a 7 hour round trip (ludicrous right? she just wants to put her belly in my face I’m sure and ruin the day for everyone). I’ve asked my brother to think about how this is going to work with the situation with me and also my parents with my SIL, it just seems like madness.

I just want a relationship with him for now (realising that it can never be how it was, but I would like to be able to speak to him occasionally) and maybe time will heal the rest, but he explains that can’t work as she won’t allow separate relationships. The call just ends with tears and he said he’ll have a think about things.

So that brings me to now. I’m grieving for my brother as I've lost him for now.