Stuck in the Maze

It’s nearly two weeks since my last post . . . where have I been?

• In hiding (yep I’m hiding from ‘my’ own blog, hilarious but true)
• In counselling
• In shopping malls
• Watching Greys Anatomy
• Tying ribbons to confetti cones

I’ve had another tough couple of weeks, my only way through seems to be retract from some aspects of my life and take one day at a time. I’ve been back on twitter a little bit and so some of you may already know what I’ve been up to lately, I’m getting there slowly, but still stuck in the maze running from that black cloud.

Mr Moon has been taking good care of me with flowers and gifts, anything to bring a little smile to my face.

I am happiest at home when we’re in our cocoon where everything seems safe and I can convince myself I can do this, one step out of the door and that confidence quickly fades though. Ms Mellow, my counsellor, is trying to help me with this and is convincing me that I am indeed coping, maybe not as well as I would like (always a high achiever!) but this is ‘coping’, I have not yet fallen into a heap and not got back up again.  I’m keeping up the acupuncture with Dr Angel and I’m still doing the yoga, so keeping my head above water, just.

I’ve also kept myself occupied with bridesmaid activities, my dress is being collected today and the celebratory activities have already started last weekend, only one more day at work and I’m off, yay. I have made some beautiful confetti cones with bits of ribbon tied around them in bows, if you know me in real life, each one has been meticulously made, checked and double checked for perfection.

In other news, Mr Moon has a new job (woo hoo) so this is great to have some good news amongst all the bad. We had our chromosome karyotyping results back too and these are all clear. We’re just waiting on one more test for Mr Moon and then I’ll ask him to write a blog post on all the latest results he’s had.   In celebration of Mr Moon’s success I treated myself with Mr Moon’s money (ha haa) to a shopping trip to the Pandora shop and have a new bracelet with charms, I find a girl cannot have enough charm type bracelets :-)

I’m getting closer and closer to cycle 3 . . . the day after the wedding we will rush back home so I can administer my first down reg injection, how’s that for timing!  I wanted to start after the wedding so I could shift that horrid IVF bloat and have some bubbles to celebrate on the day, the way the dates have fallen means I literally start the next day. I haven’t given it much thought yet, guess I know the drill now, I’m sure the nerves will settle in on Sunday though.

By the way, @toofriedeggs posted this great article on twitter today about The Age of Mechanical Reproduction by Paul Ford, an alternative view on this whole IVF business, a good read if you fancy a peek.

It's Good to Talk

Hmm, I haven't written in a while . . . kinda feel a bit in limbo some days . . . a bit lost, I seem to have no new words really, just the same old same old, so it's taken a little while to drum up some inspiration. One of my last posts, Three, was a bit sad, I still feel like that but I've made some steps to help find some zen in this maze I'm stuck in.

I had my first ever counselling session and met Ms Mellow . . . I wasn't really sure what to expect so I went with an open mind, some tissues and hoped for the best. The reason I have sought counselling is that I have reached a new level of stress, it's difficult to pretend I'm fine all the time when about 75% of the time I'm actually not ok, I'm just acting, it's easier that way.

She summarised everything I said back to me and instinctively picked up on a lot of the emotions I had felt at the time, she 'got me', which was nice, sounds silly but it actually made me feel relieved that she didn't think I was a loony. What she actually said was that she was surprised I was still standing given everything I had been through . . . right from our first investigations, to frightening tests and results, serious family health issues, my office closing and starting a new job, losing my brother through my SILs false accusations, all the waiting and the small matter of going through IVF twice, pumping myself with drugs to only find that neither cycle worked with no real answer why and no clear way forward.

Ms Mellow said something has to give, that I can't continue with all this on my shoulders. I think I'd come to this conclusion myself, as the thing I have already let go is the brother / SIL saga, I don't have the energy for it and as hard as it is, I have to accept I have lost him for now. I still cry about it at random times, even today still, but I guess this will get easier with time and hopefully I will get to meet my future niece/nephew some day.

One thing Ms Mellow said that really resonated with me is that it seems whenever I talk to anyone about my troubles or how I am feeling, whether that's Mr Moon, my friends, or my mum, that I am always thinking of them and what's going in their life too and by doing this I'm not truly saying how I feel, just skimming over it.  For instance, I guess I don't want to tell Mr Moon all my fears because it will upset him too, I don't want my mum to worry about me even more than she already does and I don't want to be a burden on any of my friends too much, they have enough going on in their own lives. So I sometimes I tend to skim over details, avoid topics, or be distant and hide away, I guess they are coping mechanisms. She explained that by speaking to her I don't need to temper what I'm saying or worry about what she thinks as it's one place I can speak freely, a safe place.

Cycle 3 is right around the corner too, I'm not sure what I think about that though, I'm not sure if I'm ready (will I ever be ready to put myself through another fresh cycle?) and so I'm on auto-pilot. Before that I'm lucky enough to be a bridesmaid for the first time in just over two weeks and so that's something to look forward to and focus on.

In other news I have been to two Hatha Yoga classes now, I like it!  I found this cute picture, it's the Half 'Moon' pose, hope I get to do this one soon :)
I even went for a run the other day and have started daily sit ups (can you tell I'm on the bridesmaid final countdown!).




Oh, I've fully immersed myself into Greys Anatomy too (thanks @ivfchronicles, @lilytaj and @ladyisis). I'm already onto Season 3 and LOVING it, makes me laugh and forget about my worries for 45 minutes, so it's no wonder I'm addicted to watching them back to back, it's kinda nice to escape.

Three

-courtesy of google images-

It's been 3 years this week since we began our TTC journey. Wow, I can't believe it's actually been this long . . . we've never seen those magic two lines, not once :-( makes you wonder can it ever happen for us. I'm sad to write that as I know it's a sign that I'm losing hope, it's inevitable I guess, but I'm still clinging on, just about. 
As it's been so long I thought I should update the About Moon page and Our Journey page links in the top left corner of the blog, so check these out if you want the latest on our treatment plan.

After my magical weekend away I came back to earth with a bump. Ahead of our third ICSI cycle my consultant recommend that we have the chromosome karyotyping test for peace of mind and that I should be able to get this on the NHS through my GP, failing that we can pay for it and have it at the fertility clinic, easy? well you'd think so.
I called my GP last week, she seemed a bit put out, she had never been asked something like this before, it's not protocol apparently, I'm to go direct to my NHS consultant (I've named him Mr Moody) who she referred me to initially. I was a little upset by this but I guess it made sense. I called my NHS consultants secretary (Moody Sidekick) . . . she was just plain rude to me, a nasty nasty lady. She said she didn't have my fertility clinic's follow-up letter in front of her so she didn't know what I was talking about (go get my file?) and so she couldn't help me. Errr what? She didn't know what test I'm talking about and they couldn't possibly do anything like that for me! In the end she made me fax her a copy of the letter which she would show the on call consultant. She rang me back the next day (the first day of my escapism weekend), she continued with her disgusting attitude and told me that as I hadn't seen the consultant in the last 2 years, as they had referred me on to a fertility clinic, that I no longer was 'their' patient (cue outraged hysteria), apparently I am 'discharged' from them and if I want to see/speak to the consultant I have to start again by seeing my GP and getting a new referral.

WHAT???

After a crying hissy fit, a quick chat with Mr Moon (btw OH's new name, I kinda like it) I was back on track and decided to park it all until after the weekend. I called my fertility clinic at the beginning of this week to arrange to have the blood tests privately, easy? again, you'd think so. Apparently as my next cycle is NHS funded (my last cycle was self funded) they are unable to carry out the test for me and the consultant shouldn't have told me that they could, this is only allowed for private cycles (cue more tears).
One brick wall after another, how frustrating! I tried to persuade them that the test is independent of next cycle and it was recommended by a consultant at their clinic. Luckily, by the end of the day Mr Moon had fixed it, he had recently seen an andrologist in London and we can have the tests through her instead this weekend. Why is nothing simple?

Since then, I've been having a tough week, feeling like a yo yo, up one minute and down the next. I'm struggling with carrying on with normal life whilst I have this great big black cloud following me around. The culmination of reaching 3 years of TTC and the brother/SIL-gate is just too much, I'm completely cracking under the pressure now *tears*
I don't want to burden anyone with my troubles too much, they're too consuming and it's not fair on them, I have some lovely friends who try to support me but I'm just letting them scratch the surface and trying to put on a brave face when they ask after me.

After a tearful evening, I made the first step earlier this week and have contacted my employee assistance programme, through work I am eligible for a few sessions of counselling. I've had a initial clinical assessment over the phone last night and needless to say he approved my request and so I'm awaiting to be assigned a counsellor. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction.

Thankfully my acupuncture sessions with Dr Angel change from fortnightly to weekly again next week and I've decided to try yoga again in a new class starting in two weeks. Bring back the zen.