Dr Angel

I met Dr Angel last night, my first real taste of acupuncture and I liked it!

I came back home feeling pretty relaxed and absolutely starving (is that normal?), I think I could have eaten a horse had OH put one in front of me (gross but you get my point). I decided to stay away from the l-a-p-t-o-p last night, so that was good as I stayed relaxed for the rest of the evening and didn't think much about work, of course I still had my phone  though (one step at a time) and I watched some 'trash telly' to keep me occupied . . . America's Next Top Model (final!!) and 90210 (how old am I?) :-)

Dr Angel asked me lots of questions about how I'm feeling right now and we had a good discussion about what I usually eat and any current stresses in my life.  She mentioned the cheese thing!  I've been a bit sceptical about this before but willing to give anything a try, and as I pretty much hate cheese anyway it wasn't a big deal, she confirmed that it's probably a good idea to keep avoiding this for now as the body will produce more mucus and we want everything to be free flowing with no obstructions. I asked about bananas, she wasn't too fussed about these as long as I don't have too many (gone off them though) and she insisted on avoiding raw vegetables, salad and fruit in the evenings, instead keep them to during the day when my body has more energy to digest and break them down, seems pretty straightforward. 

I laid on 'the couch' and Dr Angel checked my pulse qualities and tongue, similar to how Dr Energyflow did when OH and I saw him at our first acupuncture consultation (see OH's guest blog entry - Prickly Subject). She then did this really lovely massage/stroking thing on my feet for what seemed like ages, very very relaxing indeed. Apparently I can teach OH to do this to keep me relaxed at home when I need it.   Dr Angel inserted 7 needles in total, 2 in my legs, 2 in my ankles and 3 around my belly button.  They didn't hurt at all, I just looked a bit freaky when I looked down! she also put a heat lamp over my belly, mmm made me feel all warm and cosy!

I like Dr Angel, I'm glad I've tried something new (tick), she didn't make any promise of baby miracles (tick), she spoke genuinely (tick) and she thinks she can help me with worrying, relaxation and being more balanced (triple tick!), so I'm signing up for more of that.  I'll see her weekly from now on and more frequently around embryo transfer if I am fortunate to reach this stage again.

And relaaaaaax.

Seconds Out, Round Two

Today I started our second IVF/ICSI cycle.

First thing this morning I injected buserelin (Suprecur) . . . no major panic, I just did it, I didn't even take a photo this time, I guess this is what happens second time round. Even though I didn't inject buserelin in my first cycle (I used a nasal spray 3 times/day) I'm a bit of a dab hand at injecting after all those shots of Gonal F and so it was pretty uneventful.

I've nothing much to report really, I feel less anxious than I did last week about starting today and have just kind of accepted it I guess. I've tried to stay busy today (baking, shopping, cooking, tweeting, blogging) and not dwell on what I'm doing or over analyse anything, seems to be working so far.

There is an update on the brother-crazy SIL gate, he texted late last week to say can we put our meeting on hold, he'd like to be upfront with my SIL and needs to pick the right time to speak to her. I was a bit annoyed at first (he could have discussed this with my SIL without me even knowing and then got in touch if there was an issue . . . of course there is going to be an issue) but after a few minutes I just felt sorry for him, such a sad situation that he has to ask to see his sister.  So we wait. I'm a dab hand at that too.

Anyhoo, I've now got the Zita West relaxation CDFs loaded on to my iPhone so all good to make a start this week and I have my acupuncture appointment on Tuesday with Dr Angel too. So by Wednesday I'm hope to be floating :-)

Moon's Butterfly Cakes

Chillax

I read a really good article shared by one of my tweeps over on twitter, the lovely @IVFChronicles so I thought I'd share it here (see link below). It's about the psychological effects of infertility on both females and males, and whoaa I can identify with so much of it.

The Psychological Impact of Infertility by Jo Perkins at Therapy Today

I've had a bit of a difficult week since my birthday so have been hiding a bit from my blog, ironic really, as I started it in the first place so I could write how I was truly feeling and let it all out and now I'm hiding from it, work that one out.  
I don't want to write a miserable post but just to fill you in on the highlights, my sadness this past week is mainly to do with the 'brother-SIL gate' as I'm normally pretty close to him and spoke to him frequently, I guess I just really miss him. I did speak to him on my birthday last Tuesday, on the whole I suppose it went well compared to the last phone call but it was super awkward and despite him trying to be normal it was still upsetting. We briefly spoke at the end about the awful SIL text and how upsetting this still is for me but that he is my only brother and I will always love him and not let her drive a wedge between us, felt good to finally say that to him. I've asked to meet him when he is next in London for work and offered to take time off work if he needed to get back to Bristol at a reasonable time (I realise now that might have been a bit presumptuous that he wouldn't tell my SIL, but anyhoo too late now). He finally texted earlier this week and the first time we can get together is Monday 28 March and I'll take the afternoon off work to meet him . . . so plenty of time for me to get myself all worked up about it (no point pretending I won't do this, I'm 100% sure I will).

Moving on . . .

Last Thursday was our medication teach session with our new clinic . . . here we met Nurse Chillax! Such a lovely lady, she is soooo chilled out and so I'm hoping this is going to rub off on me a little bit :-) She assured me everything is going to be fine (love her optimism) and as I'm familiar with the Gonal F she just showed me the buserelin (Suprecur) injections as I did the nasal sprays last time, seems pretty straightforward. I've paid our first little payment, signed a zillion forms and have my first baseline scan booked in already, yikes. 
To say I'm a little anxious is a bit of an understatement, I think the emotions I'm running through are fairly normal so I'm not too worried, just the usual, can I do this again, can I cope with another failed cycle and so on. These past couple of days instead of worrying about it I'm trying to focus on what I can do make myself feel better and if I increase my chances in the process, bonus!  Here's what I've been doing, it's early days though -

• I'm eating breakfast (novel for me, I tend to only partake in my most hated meal at the weekends when OH tempts me by bringing me some delights whilst I'm still in bed or doing things like Toast With a Smile).
• I'm walking to work (admittedly it only takes two minutes longer than driving as the car park is a bit of a walk, do not ask how close my new office is to home, it's embarrassing I ever drove! my defence is my hair does not do rain :-)).
• I'm eating more fruit.
• I'm drinking more water (still not enough but getting there, my bladder is small!).
• Booked my first acupuncture appointment with a lady called Angelika (I'm hoping this is a sign and that she is indeed an Angel that will look after me and make me calm).
• I'm reading before bed (to take my mind off anything stressful - work, IF, crazy SIL, whatever)
• Stop procrastinating at work (hmm a work in progress)

Not a bad list eh? If you have any other suggestions let me know. I realise 'exercise' is missing from this list, but one step at a time huh.

Trigger Happy

I waited all day for the magic phone call from the clinic to confirm if I will be taking my HCG trigger injection tonight and if so, at what time. From what I've read the timing is crucial as they will perform my egg collection about 36 hours later. By 3:30pm I grew tired of waiting and called the clinic, they said they were just working on it and I should expect a call soon . . . waited some more and then they finally called at 4:30pm with all the details -

• Take my last Suprecur nasal spray sniff tonight as usual
• Take the HCG trigger injection (Ovitrelle) at 11pm 
• Don't worry about the air bubble, just inject
• Thursday will be a drug-free day (woo hoo)
• Light breakfast before 8am, no food/drink after this time
• Report to the clinic for 9am
• OH will produce his sample at the clinic (nice)
• I'll be in theatre about 10:30am (eek)
• I can watch the egg collection on the screen

I think the nurse on the phone could sense my fear, she reassured me and told me everything would be ok, I managed to hold it together until I put the phone down. I had a big rush of emotion and literally just burst into tears, good job no one else was in the office (wuss I know).
i.am.petrified. I think it's the fear of the unknown and the thought of needing all those drugs to get through the procedure scares me. My evening didn't improve much, I'm feeling pretty emotional and overwhelmed by it all. I wish I could share half the drugs and procedures with my OH, might make it less scary, instead I feel alone again today . . . just want the procedure over and done with.
So my trigger is at 11pm so I thought I'd write my blog entry now and then I will update it either later tonight or tomorrow, I figure I might be best going straight to bed afterwards, after a quick tweet of course ;-)

Update post trigger

I did it, bang on 11pm, woo hoo, trigger happy.

Despite Dr Google, it did not sting at all, it was not as easy as the Gonal F stimm injections, the needle didn't glide in as smoothly but other than that it was ok.

Come on eggies.

To Swab or Not to Swab

25th day of sniffing today (yawn)

Getting a bit bored of sniffing Suprecur for down regulating now :-/ can we move on to the next stage now, pretty please (with a cherry on top).  My symptoms are thankfully starting to settle down a bit now though, insomnia is less frequent, headaches have passed and only the odd twinge of pain here and there. My clinic (Bourn Hall) said that I will be starting my Gonal F stimulation injections in the week commencing 1 November . . . well I waited, and waited, and waited some more to hear from them and finally they called yesterday afternoon, seems I will be starting them on Friday 5 November, feels like an age to wait! Even though I'm petrified of starting I was a little disappointed that I have to wait some more till the end of the week. My first monitoring visit to check on my follicles is planned for Thursday 11 November. That's all I know so far . . . as one of my fellow IVF'er twitter-er commented @IVFLondonUK, it's like the CIA, they only give out info on a need to know basis, well I need to know more :-)
Had a little panic on Sunday that I'd forgotten what the pharmacist lady had said about administering the Gonal F injection pen . . . well fear no more, the internet has everything a girl can need. I searched on YouTube and found several (some hilarious) videos on how to do it, I'm not sure some of them helped, but I did find one that I think is worthy of mentioning (Link to Gonal F video).  64 million dollar question is though . . .

To swab or not to swab!

My clinic didn't send me any alcohol swabs but every video I've watched mentions it and so Twitter to the rescue, everyone is using them! I asked the clinic when they called and the nurse assured me that I don't need them, too late though my OH had nipped out of work to buy me some (bless). To.swab.or.not.to.swab gate has continued today, I think it's a UK vs US thing, anyhoo, I think I'm convinced to swab now thank you very much.
My stress levels during this entire process have reached all new highs (events at my lovely workplace not making this any easier, how kind of them), how is it possible to stay calm and stress free if you've haven't been through IVF before though? I did find an interesting article from the Telegraph (how intellectual!) about stress and it's effects on IVF and was really surprised by what I found - Link to 'Being-stressed-might-help-IVF-women-get-pregnant'
I'm not sure what to make of it, but if it's right, well I'm on to a winner!

A-choo!

Took my lunch time dose of Suprecur today at work, dialled into my teleconference meeting, and then, 'a-chooo', ffs I sneezed, P-A-N-I-C!

• Frantically search google
• Can't find anything . . . supposed to be talking at this meeting :-/
• Panic some more
• Message my OH online . . . not sure what I would do without messenger at work, mmm probably get a lot more work done, meh
• Help! . . . Calm down
• No need to panic, was at least 3 minutes since I sniffed, OH assures me, it's fine

Home now, with blanket, Monday's suck.

This is It

So, this is it, the start of my first IVF & ICSI treatment, can't believe I am finally here, today, after all this waiting, am I actually ready? I'm not sure :-(

I didn't sleep very well last night and surprisingly my stomach appears unhappy too. 

Let the down regulating begin . . . 

Suprecur (buserelin), 3 times a day, once in each nostril, easy peasy lemon squeezy.

In the end I just did it very quickly and I felt ok until a couple of minutes later, heart racing and I felt like I'd swallowed a rock, probably more from nerves than anything else. I laid down for a few minutes and then I felt absolutely fine, quite sprightly in fact! I can taste it at the back of my throat though but the toothpaste soon fixed that.

Other than feeling a bit 'odd' and a couple of intermittent headaches through the day I felt fine, I can do this.

I took my third dose in the evening and after a lovely meal out to celebrate starting the treatment . . . 10 minutes later, mild panic sets in, my heart is racing super fast and it feels like my heart is beating outside my chest . . . heart palpitations. Not pleasant and a bit worrying but I've taken it easy for the rest of the evening and hopefully it will do the trick, watched The Hangover, fab film! 

Drugs R Us

I sat at home waiting patiently for my drugs to arrive . . . I'm supposed to be "working from home", hmm not a whole lot of work going on here, I can tell ya, Facebook, Twitter, Gmail, Jeremy Kyle (tee hee, any distraction will do this morning).

I finally get the magic phone call about 10:30am, the courier is just round the corner, sounds like a nice man :-)

Errr blimey, that's a BIG box, why have I been sent such a BIG box :-(

I carefully unpack, stack everything neatly!  Take a photo (of course).

Errr not just nasal sprays and needles then, why the hell do I have 3 boxes of progesterone vaginal gel, no one told me about that . . . wtf

Deep breaths . . . just stack them nice and neatly.

Panic over, they have sent a lovely purple carry case, all is forgiven.

I meticulously do down the check list, everything present and correct, needles in the fridge (interesting next to the wine and milk) and the rest at room temperature. Will study everything more closely when I get back home tonight, omg I start on Friday :-/

No Need to Panic!

This is the beginning, IVF/ICSI Cycle 1 (eeek!), hard to actually believe that after TTC for the best part of the last two and half years, here I am, at Bourn Hall, so they can show the potions and needles I will start using this Friday, shit, this Friday, only 3 more sleeps!

I'm sat in the Bourn Hall outpatient waiting room (kinda Laura Ashley stylee) . . . for those who haven't been to Bourn Hall before, it's a truly amazing place, not just because of the magic they perform here on a daily basis, but it's a breathtaking old country house set in a little cute village, just outside Cambridge (Bourn Hall Clinic), hard to believe you can actually come here as part of the NHS East of England plan . . . it may be an hour drive from home, but well worth it when you get here, a different world to the Lister Hospital. 

Headcount . . . 3 couples in the room (some with other halves, some with their friends) . . . it's a bit like being on the Tube for me . . . quick scan around and off my mind goes making up silly little stories for everyone there . . . who are they, where are they from, have they started their treatment yet, are they coping? . . . the list is endless.  Searching for answers to my million questions in my head, it's quite overwhelming really.

The nurse just called my name, uh oh, that's me, stop day dreaming, it's my turn . . .

Turns out we're seeing the pharmacist not a nurse and she is going to give us a quick run through of all the medications.  

Quick scan of the pharmacy:

Needles - check
Nasal spray - check
Rubber pin cushion - check!! P-H-E-W yippee!

No need to panic, there is a rubber pin cushion, thank goodness, she won't be sticking the demo needle in me after all, and R-E-L-A-A-A-X

The nice pharmacist spends about 20 minutes taking us through everything . . . super fast though, blink and you'll miss it! She's obviously a dab hand at assembling that nasal spray thing, take this bit off, put this bit here and this bit here, and bob's your uncle, simple. Apparently I'm going to be taking Suprecur nasal spray (buserelin) rather than Synarel as there is a problem at the manufacturers of Synarel, so unlucky for me (there's a surprise) that means spraying 3 times a day instead of 2, fab.

Next, the dreaded needles . . . must pay attention . . . this one's gonna take some practice, yikes, hope I don't do it wrong :-(  I know, let's look at the positives (yes, lets) . . . the needle is only about one cm or so long . . . it's very thin . . . it's gonna be hard to get the dose wrong . . . and I can ring them at any time.  I ask about the other needle I can see there . . . Ovitrelle I think . . . that must be the last injection, the one that's supposed to sting :-(  It's ok, she's read my mind, she says she'll take me through the other bits closer to the time . . . and R-E-L-A-A-A-X